The other night, I was driving to a friend’s house when I saw the unthinkable. A wildfire in the area had grown large enough where I could easily see its glow on the horizon. Dark clouds of smoke rose above it. I’ve always thought that the “bad things” are far away from me, but there it was right in front of me. Of course, I’m safe, and I’m thankful that it rained today to doubly ensure my safeness. However, these wildfires are nothing to be trifled with, and many people are being forced to evacuate because of them. Hopefully, I’ll continue to remain safe, but I’m definitely staying on guard. What do I do when I’m faced with a situation that makes me uncomfortable? I make light of it! Here are eleven instances of fire found in video games.
The fire bar from Super Mario Bros. (NES 1985)
The burning village of Breath of Fire (SNES 1993)
Escape from the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin (SNES 1993)
Battle with Heat Man in Mega Man 2 (NES 1988)
Fiery first stage of Castlevania: Rondo of Blood (PC Engine CD 1993)
Revisiting Lucca’s House in Chrono Cross (PS1 1999)
Taking time to pose in Contra III: The Alien Wars (SNES 1992)
Flying through fire in Gradius 3 (SNES 1995)
The Fire Temple of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64 1998)
Corona Mountain in Super Mario Sunshine (Gamecube 2002)
Rescuing Strago and Relm from a burning building in Final Fantasy 6 (SNES 1994)
Making all of this content takes a lot of energy and work! If you’re feeling generous and would like to support my projects, consider “buying me a coffee” or two or ten from the following website: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/erichagmann
What are some other games that have great instances of fire? Let me know in the comments! Check back for my next official Top Ten list on November 1st!
Welcome to Octo-ber! This month, we deep-sea dive for the top ten appearances of octopi in video games! I actually came up with this idea last November, but since it was already past October at the time, it didn’t feel right to follow through with the project. So, I decided that I needed to dedicate the entirety of 2020 to making monthly pun-based top ten lists in order to make Octo-ber a reality! That’s right. I couldn’t stand the thought of posting an article “out of order,” so I created a year-long goal to fulfill Eric al Ghul’s destiny. But really, I’ve had a blast putting these together. Can you think of any other octopus who should be a part of this list? Let me know in the comments!
10) ”Eight Arms” in Ecco the Dolphin (Sega Genesis 1992)
“Swim slowly past Eight Arms.”
When I heard that Sega was having a sale on their 3D Classics games on the 3DS eShop, I knew I had to fulfill my childhood curiosity by picking up Ecco the Dolphin. I had always seen ads for it and the underwater atmosphere looked very beautiful compared to the kinds of games I was playing at the time (which were most likely on Game Boy). I knew the game was supposed to be difficult, but I had no idea what I was about to encounter when I gave it a shot. I’ve only played it for maybe a half hour so far, and I can’t even get past the second “level.” Am I bad at games now? I mean, I don’t play as much as I used to, but surely I haven’t lost my edge that quickly.
First of all, I will say that the added 3D effect is really great, and it definitely makes the foreground pop out from the aquatic backgrounds. The controls, however, are not quite as fluid as I had hoped. The analog stick on the 3DS helps somewhat with the 360 motion of Ecco, but environments are constantly fighting against you as you navigate narrow passageways with swarms of marine life in the way. Additionally, mammals have that pesky need for oxygen, so I’m constantly trying to speed back to a section with an air pocket. Even worse is that it’s extremely easy to get stuck on an obstacle or in a group of enemies, so the life bar can drain pretty quickly. If you lose all your air/life, you have to painstakingly start from the beginning of the stage. Another pesky mechanic is the need to lift objects in order to take out barricades. To do this, you have to physically swim underneath the object and push it with your nose. The swimming is so touchy, though, that if you’re not directly underneath it, or if you move too quickly, the object will fall.
Anyway, back to the point of this list… During my short time with the game, I’ve already encountered “Eight Arms” and have been instructed (by a giant blue crystal) to swim slowly past it. Easier said than done. With a ticking air meter, swimming slowly is the last thing I want to do in this game. Initially, I thought this meant that I just couldn’t use my “run” button. THWAP. Then I thought that I could simply tap the control pad at a meeeedium pace (shoutout to Adam Sandler). SWAT. I tried again at an even slower pace. Okay! I made it! Now where do I go? Left. Lots of enemies here. Must kill them all… Ope. Taking lots of damage. And now I’ve found another key crystal thing. Cool. Where to next? Oh…back….where…I came from….past….Eight Arms…again. Well, okay, let’s try this. Slowly….slowly……..aaaaaaaaaaand…..out of air. Neat. I’m back at the beginning of the stage.
The 3D Classic version adds a “Super Dolphin Mode” that makes you invincible and removes the need for air. As much as I want to beat this game the normal way, I honestly don’t think I have the time and patience for it. But, I would love to see the story play out and just be free to explore, so I think this will be the mode for me until I get used to the game’s mechanics.
Fun fact: The game’s designer, Ed Annunziata, took some inspiration from Pink Floyd when creating the game. A few of the levels are named after Pink Floyd songs, and Ed even showed songs by the band to the game’s music team to portray the kind of mood he wanted in his game.
9) Animaniacs (Super Nintendo 1994)
Heeeeey yooooou, guuuuuys!
It’s time for Aaaaaaaanimaaaaaaniacs! Our next octopus sighting is in the Aquatic stage of the 1994 Animaniacs game for the SNES. Here, the Warner brothers and their Warner sister have to navigate various movie sets on the Warner Bros lot to retrieve pages of a new script stolen by Pinky and the Brain. Cinema, apparently, is their latest and greatest plan to “try and take over the world!” Despite being a mediocre game, stereotypical movie tropes are sprinkled all throughout the levels, and it’s fun to see them spoofing those different genres. For example, the Sci-Fi stage has nods to the Alien franchise, the Adventure stage references Indiana Jones, and the Fantasy stage takes influence from both The Neverending Story and Alice in Wonderland. You can see hints of Jaws along with every pirate movie ever in the Aquatic stage. It wouldn’t be a proper pirate adventure without a giant cephalopod attacking a ship! The octopus appears twice as a mini boss before being controlled by Captain Mal (who?) for the final confrontation. In each battle, tentacles thrash the deck while you do your best to aim a cannonball straight at its face. Once defeated, a page of the script is collected and the three Warner kids can move on to the next stage. It doesn’t have quite the same excitement as some of these movies (https://jamesmccaffrey.wordpress.com/2019/07/10/my-top-ten-favorite-giant-cephalopod-movies/), but it does its best for being a Super Nintendo Animaniacs game in the mid-90’s.
8) “Squiddicus” from Donkey Kong Country Returns (Wii 2010)
I am Squiddicus!
An overlooked aspect of the newer Donkey Kong Country Returns games is the constant storytelling that takes place in the backgrounds of each level. When we first see Squiddicus (who really is an octopus despite what his name says), he is far off in the distance doing his worst to dismantle an entire ship. As soon as he finishes, he sees Donkey Kong and starts moving toward his new target. All the while, Donkey Kong is trying to make his way forward on floating pieces of ship that seemingly were dismantled by the octopus before arriving. When DK gets close to a set of caves, you can see tentacles emerging from the water, rising up and winding in circles to ready their action. Before anything can happen, DK takes cover in the caves. Squiddicus responds to this by inserting his tentacles in the narrow passageways, making new obstacles for our hairy hero. By the end of the stage, the exit barrel appears above the giant octopus, and DK blasts himself past danger to finally complete the level.
Check out his antics here starting at about 1:20.
Squiddicus comes back in Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, the 2014 game originally released for Wii U. In this sequel, DK is pursued by his old foe while trying to make his way through an intense auto-scrolling underwater level. After dodging an onslaught of tentacle terrorization, DK must set three spiked mines loose via blast barrels in order to rid the monster from further mayhem. I feel like it was a missed opportunity to not use Squiddicus as a main boss, who knows – maybe we’ll see him in a sequel!
7) “King Caliente” from Super Mario Galaxy (Wii 2007)
Me mind on fire. Me soul on fire. Feelin’ hot hot hot!
First appearing in the Good Egg Galaxy of Super Mario Galaxy, King Caliente is the (less cool) Ganondorf battle of the Mario series. He resides in a vat of “liquid hot magma” and shoots a set of flaming rocks at you before attacking with….a….single coconut? Wait. Why is that even an option to shoot a coconut at you? Why isn’t the coconut flaming, too? Anyway, when Mario uses his spin attack to deflect it, King Caliente smacks it right back. A second spin attack from Mario sends it blazing back into his face. Repeat the process three times and it’s over. I’m surprised that the battle doesn’t advance much further beyond that. This could have been a cool instance of an epic tennis fight with Mario having to jump over various lava-laden obstacle in order to reach the projectile. I guess we’ll have to stick with Zelda games if we want that sort of action. Or…maybe we could just play Mario Tennis.
6) “Octo the Huge” from Startropics (NES 1990)
He’s got a huge…talent!
Worlds collide! On the way to the next island via the Sub-C vehicle, Mike Jones is stopped by a dolphin mother who appears to be in distress. “Qui quy! Qui…k qui quy? Qui quy! Qui…k qui quy?” the mother dolphin shouts. Thankfully, our Sub-C’s Nav-Com is equipped with a dolphin translator. “Please find my son! He has disappeared!” Of course, we agree to help her. No doubt, this must be Ecco the Dolphin! After consulting the lighthouse tech and his wife, we are directed toward a bottle that has washed up on the beach. A note is inside. “Help! Captured by aliens,” the note reads. “Tell my nephew to use code 1776 – Dr. J.” Well, that escalated fast! Still, no clue to find the dolphin yet, but now our sub has the ability to submerge (you’d think that would be a key feature of a submarine)… AND we can gain access to the other side of the island. Time to explore some caves!
After searching around for a bit, we finally come across our baby dolphin friend who is locked behind metal bars. We can’t reach him, so we move forward. In the next room resides Octo the HUGE!!!! Okay, he’s not really that huge, but he can shoot deadly…ink balls? With the help of a snowman and a baseball bat (Startropics has weird items, okay?), Octo is quickly defeated. The dolphin son is released from his cage, and Mama dolphin, overjoyed, agrees to help us through the rocky waters to the north. Why was the dolphin locked up by an octopus? Is this part of some ancient war between octopus and dolphins? Yes. That has to be it.
5) “Pako” from Super Mario Land 2 (Game Boy 1992)
Pako knows how to Urn a living.
Mario moves south to examine the giant sleeping turtle on the Eastern island. Before he can even stop to catch his breath, the giant turtle extends its massive neck over the water and swallows our hero whole! Mario has now entered…..the Turtle Zone! Now underwater, a whale sleeps soundly and a wrecked submarine can be seen crashed on the ocean floor (Sub-C!?). After exploring the wreckage, Mario decides, “Hey, let’s check out the inside of that whale, too. Maybe I’ll find one of my castle key coins. After all, that coin has a picture of a turtle on it, so it’s probably around here somewhere.”
It’s interesting that the boss of the Turtle zone isn’t the whale or the turtle itself, but instead… it’s Pako, an octopus that lives inside of an urn that’s inside of a whale. Octo-ception! The game’s nemesis, Wario, really went through great lengths to hide Mario’s key coin. Also, how can I equip my house to be opened by a series of coins? Meanwhile, Pako is a pushover. He is by far the easiest boss in the entire Mario series. The only threats to our plumber are smaller “Poko” octopi who appear one-by-one, poko a poko, from Pako’s mouth. Three hits on the octopus’s head, and Pako is no-mo.
In the Mario vs. Wario comic series, there’s an issue where Pako attempts to stop Mario who is trying to cross a lake. Mario immediately questions the octopus and wonders aloud why it is living in a fresh water environment. Pako, a saltwater creature, then realizes that the lake has likely been the source of his most recent illness. Mario, being a constant doer-of-good, agrees to help out the poor guy by filling the lake with salt. After emptying a sack into the water, however, Mario suddenly discovers that he put sugar in the lake by mistake. The octopus falls forward, and Mario, red in the face, rushes away saying to himself, “Well, it’s time to hit the road!”
4) “Bubbler” from Diddy Kong Racing (N64 1997)
In some parts of the country, he’s called “Drinking Fountain.”
Bosses in a racing game? Why not!? Diddy Kong Racing takes the hub world concept from Super Mario 64 and mashes it up with the driving mechanics of Mario Kart 64 while also adding new vehicles like hovercrafts and airplanes. The third boss, Bubbler, is a giant, brainwashed octopus who bombards you with mines whenever you get too close. Are you ready to lose a thousand times in a row? Well, GET READY!! This guy is HARD. I think I spent maybe an hour trying to complete this race. In fact, it might have been one of those situations where you have to turn the game off and then give yourself a pep talk several days later to try it again. “Alright, Eric. This is it. Today’s the day you beat Bubbler!” (It wasn’t).
Once you’ve completed the game’s Silver Coin challenge, you have the option to face him again. Bring a tissue. In the DS version of Diddy Kong Racing, he’s even more difficult! Needless to say, I will never play the DS version of Diddy Kong Racing.
3) “Launch Octopus” from Mega Man X (Super Nintendo 1993)
Very distant cousin of Ducktales’ Launchpad.
What’s tougher than an octopus? An armadillo! The paper-rock-scissors mentality of the former Mega Man games breaks down somewhat in the X series when every Reploid boss is based on an animal. But, I’d still like to believe that an armadillo could dominate an octopus. To clarify, Launch Octopus is weak to the “Rolling Shield” weapon that X acquires by defeating Armored Armadillo. According to the megaman.fandom.com webpage, the Rolling Shield “ruptures [Launch Octopus’s] internal buoyancy/pressure system.” Yeah, that makes sense.
In a cool throwback, Launch Octopus is brought up during the dialogue before X’s fight with Volt Kraken in Mega Man X5. Apparently, before being destroyed by X, Octopus and Kraken used to be good friends. When X is pressed to apologize, Kraken says, “I wasn’t referring to such an old story. You destroyed him because you are a Maverick Hunter… It’s your duty… your mission… Well, I got fed up with the hunter jobs. That’s why I quit – not because of Octopus.” Seconds later, X realizes that Kraken has also become infected with the Maverick Virus and is forced to destroy him, too. Pandemics are tragic, yo.
2) “Octopus” from Game & Watch (Game & Watch 1981)
It even had an alarm!
Here’s a cool bit of history: the same year that Donkey Kong was released as an arcade game (1981), Nintendo launched the Game & Watch handheld games. “Octopus” was one of these games. You might recognize the Octopus as Mr. Game & Watch’s final smash form in the Super Smash Bros series. In the original handheld game, you played as a diver who was trying to collect treasure while avoiding the tentacles of the sour cephalopod (as an aside, Mr. Game & Watch’s Up Smash move is based on these divers). Later versions of the game has you playing as Mario while Peach waits patiently in the boat above. Additionally, an octopus-themed mini-game shows up in 2007’s WarioWare: Smooth Moves for the Nintendo Wii. The Octopus Dance game in Nintendo Land (Wii U, 2012) also has roots in the Game & Watch series. It’s crazy to think that nearly 40 years later, we’re still seeing references to this octopus in modern gaming. The Game & Watch handheld system is making a return this year for the 35th anniversary of Super Mario Bros. Perhaps we will see something special next year when the Octopus goes over the hill!
Honorable Mentions: Legend of the Mystical Ninja (Super Nintendo 1991)
Pocky and Rocky (Super Nintendo 1992)
“Octolings” from Splatoon (Switch 2017)
“Ultros” from Final Fantasy 6 (Super Nintendo 1994)
No concern for water safety.
An evil empire seeks to harness a race of mystical beings in order to use their magical abilities for themselves. Meanwhile, this weird octopus guy wants to get in the way of your progress because…because! Does he work for the empire? No. Does he seek magic for himself? Nope. Is he inconvenient but overwhelmingly amusing? You bet! Serving as comic relief to Final Fantasy 6’s somewhat heavy plot, Ultros shows up in the strangest places. We first meet him while white-water rafting toward the city of Narshe to examine an Esper, one of the mystical beings that I mentioned earlier. Immediately, his quirkiness shines through as he urges us to not “tease the octopus, kids!” Surely, we won’t see this guy again, right?
Watch for falling weights.
Wrong! My favorite appearance of Ultros is during the legendary Opera House section of the game (watch the whole thing here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEuf9ZSJrdg). While our friend, Celes, is secretly pretending to be an opera singer in order to thwart a kidnapping plan by Setzer, the only man in the world who owns an airship, Ultros sits high above in the rafters attempting to ruin the show with the Wily Coyote’s greatest weapon, a 4-ton weight! (How’d he get that up there anyway??). Thankfully, “it’ll take [him] 5 minutes to drop it,” so our party members in the audience have plenty of time to ensure that “the show must go on.”
Thankfully, no one broke a leg.
Unfortunately, mid-battle, our characters fall from the rafters and land directly onto the stage, scattering performers in every direction! The Impressario, worried that his art has been ruined, plays it off like “everything’s going so well!” With some quick ad-libbing to smooth over the plot, our main cast keeps their cool in front of “octopus royalty” and resumes the fight as the orchestra plays on. Just when the fight is about to end, Ultros escapes and a light appears from the roof. A man descends from a rope, scoops Celes into his arms, and disappears back into the light. Our main party is quick to follow…and the game goes on…
Meanwhile, we don’t see Ultros for quite some time. After a few other encounters (including one particularly charming scene where Utlros gets painted by an artist girl a la Titanic – no jk), he ultimately ends up working as a clerk at a Coliseum to pay off a debt that would “keep him there for a million years.” Though his connection to the story is rather loose, every appearance of Ultros is pure gold. He is the perfect compliment to the serious nature of Final Fantasy 6’s plot. Truthfully, if I had to make an Octo-ber list a hundred more times in my lifetime, Ultros would ALWAYS have the #1 spot!
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Being a visual art form, one of the first things you’ll notice when playing a game is how your character moves while you control them. Are they zooming through a level like Sonic the Hedgehog? Can you imagine the ground shake as you land a jump with Donkey Kong? Maybe you feel the lightness of your hang glider while soaring through a stage in Pilotwings. These animations can help you to feel connected to your character. So, when something looks weird, you take notice! This month, take a walk with me while we explore the top ten games that may or may not have the moves.
10) Kablooey (SNES 1990)
Player one, get ready.
Before we even get started, take a look at the original title and cover art for this game:
What happened!? How did we go from this explosive-obsessed super villain to a blue blob with googly eyes and a single tooth? Kablooey was one of the weirdest games I ever had the pleasure of owning as a child. As you wobble across an isometric grid, you must strategically set off different-sized bombs without blowing up yourself or walking off into the void. It’s a simple puzzle game, and the animation never really bothered me… However, the music is atrocious. I know this is an article about animations, but I *have* to talk about this music. As you begin each stage, an electronic female voices tells you, “Player One, get ready.” Then, a hyper-active drum kit fills into a repetitive bass groove while a synthesizer pads the music with held chords. After looping for some time, the voice suddenly comes back. “Get get get get get get get. Get get get ready. Get get get ready. Ready ready. Get. Ready. Get ready.” When I heard this for the first time, I seriously thought my game was broken. Is that really the music? The music NEVER changes the entire game and this….breakdown…completely ruins the flow of what’s supposed to be a slow-paced puzzle game. Years later, I looked up the game on YouTube just to make sure that it wasn’t just my copy. Nope, that’s just the way it is.
Get ready at 3:10.
9) Road Runner (NES 1989)
Don’t ACME, bro.
Tengen, the maker of Road Runner, was known for making unlicensed games for the NES (i.e. they didn’t have the official Nintendo “seal of approval,” and they used a special chip in order to actually make games playable on the system). You could recognize a Tengen game immediately because of their black, rounded cartridges that stood apart from Nintendo’s grey cartridges. Needless to say, there were court cases. We won’t get into it.
I always loved the Road Runner cartoons as a kid. I secretly always rooted for Wile E. Coyote and thought certainly that the Road Runner would eventually be caught. When our family rented the Road Runner game on NES, I thought for sure that I might have my chance! But…after popping it in, I quickly learned that I wasn’t playing as Wile E. Coyote. I was the Road Runner trying to flee the grasp of the cunning canine. Accompanied by a soundtrack that included classical pieces like the “William Tell Overture,” “Flight of the Bumblebee,” and “Sabre Dance,” Road Runner’s movement mimicked exactly how he was pictured on TV with his legs forming a circular blur of motion. Except….in the game, he really didn’t move that quickly. And, you are constantly forced to go out of your way to collect “seed” so you don’t….die from starvation? Most notably, instead of moving from left-to-right like EVERY GAME EVER, Road Runner moves from right-to-left. Why?! Even in the cartoon, the characters are generally depicted as moving to the right (exhibit A: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd_41tM6H2Y). More annoying yet is that your character only scrolls the screen when he is nearly all the way to the left edge of the picture, leaving little room to avoid oncoming obstacles. It seems the animation is about the only thing the developers actually got right.
8) Summer Games (Atari 2600 1984)
Go for the Gold!
Ah, the Atari 2600. Those were the days. All you needed was a joystick and a single button for hours of endless entertainment. I remember playing Summer Games with my sister (and being highly competitive about it). My favorite event was the sprinting competition because it involved waggling the joystick in every direction as fast as possible (predating joystick-destroying Mario Party games by 14 years!). It was the only game that actually made me feel like I had run 100 yards after I had finished playing it. I loved that most all of the events incorporated some sort of clever control scheme to match the animation. In rowing, you’d move the control from left and right to match the motion of the oars. In swimming, you’d time your button presses with the arm of the athlete to increase your speed. During the vault event, you’d rotate the joytsick to correspond with the circular swinging motion of your fellow olympian. In a world where most 2-player Atari games involved either spaceships or simply passing the controller off every other death, Summer Games was a welcome change of pace.
7) Karate Champ (Arcade 1984/NES 1986)
Begin! Point!
What do you get when you take a mediocre arcade game and try to port it to the Nintendo Entertainment System? Complete trash! The NES version of Karate Champ is clunky, awkward, and slow. The controls were so bad that….well, if you look at the screenshot above, that foot sweep made by Mr. Purple was the only consistent move that I could accomplish. Furthermore, it was nearly impossible to get your character to turn around so if you ever somehow ended up on the other side of your opponent, then good luck trying to face the other direction. Not to mention, the more enjoyable mini-games from the arcade game were not included in the NES port. I’m pretty sure we acquired this game for $5 at a thrift sale just down the street. My friends and I would spent about 10 minutes with it before the frustration kicked in. We’d be better off battling with our Lego men.
6) Cool Spot (SNES 1993)
Get cool, boy.
Coming in at #2 of Top Two games based on soda is Cool Spot (#1 being, of course, Pepsiman). Did you know this game had a plot? According to the original SNES manual, “SPOT and his friends, SPOT, SPOT, SPOT, SPOT, SPOT, SPOT, SPOT, SPOT, SPOT, SOPT, and SPOT are in trouble and they need help…FAST!” It goes on to say, “For years, Wild Wicked Wily Will has been trying to capture a real life SPOT to prove to the world that they really do exist. (Up to date, they have never been ‘spotted’!)” I’m positive we never see Wild Wicked Wily Will in the game. We need to know more about THIS guy! I always appreciated the way Spot would saunter around as if he’s the hippest cat in the club. And then when he stands still, his idle animation is for him to snap along to the beat of the soundtrack. I mean, the game opens with Spot surfing on a 7up bottle to a midi version of “Wipeout.” We only ever rented this game, but I definitely enjoyed my time with it.
5) Lester the Unlikely (SNES 1994)
I totally have that hoodie.
Watching this game gives me a backache. Upon looking up Visual Concepts, who developed Lester the Unlikely, I noticed that they’ve delved heavily into the sports genre since 1996 and have stuck with it even to this day. Interestingly, they’ve made some other pretty great games like ClayFighter and Claymates. But then again, they also made incredibly mediocre games like the Nickelodeon Guts game. It’s unlikely that anyone would ever want to play Lester the Unlikely. It controls like a Prince of Persia game but stars a teenage dweeb who gets lost on an island after accidentally being loaded onto a cargo ship that becomes hijacked by pirates. I’m pretty sure the last type of character I want to control is one that identically matches my 13-year-old self. Get out of here, Lester!
4) Laverne from Day of the Tentacle (Mac OS/PC 1993)
Lets do the time warp again.
Described as a “deranged medical student,” Laverne attempts to return to her own time from a future where purple tentacle has successfully taken over the world. I’ve already talked extensively about Day of the Tentacle in my Blarch article, but since playing this game over break last Thanksgiving, I still can’t praise it enough. Laverne stands out from Bernard (your typical nerd) and Hoagie (a music roadie). Every word spoken seemingly comes from an empty shell of a mind, and she is fascinated with the bizarre. In the scene below, she becomes excited at the thought of being cut open by her tentacle doctor and even offers her own scalpel for the process. Her walk reminds me of a child who constantly has a nursery song stuck in their head and thus, they can’t control their body while they dance their way to the nearest object that catches their attention. Of course, this animation fits the B-movie tone of the game perfectly. Fun fact: Laverne was actually based on an ex-girlfriend of one of the developers. I wonder why they broke up…
3) Toejam & Earl (Sega Genesis 1991)
We got the funk.
The early 90’s was a weird time to be alive. The first live-action Ninja Turtles movie came out in 1990. Ren & Stimpy joined Nickelodeon along with The Adventures of Pete & Pete in 1991. Meanwhile, Bryan Adams was topping the pop charts with “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You.” And then we have Toejam & Earl – a game starring alien rappers who roam the Earth(?) to recover the wreckage of their ship after crash landing…all to the fresh sounds of jazz-funk euphoria. One aspect that stands out to me in this game is the multiplayer mode. You start with both characters on the screen but if you get too far away from each other, the screen automatically splits so you can follow the action of each character separately. I don’t think a multiplayer experience like this existed on a console at the time, so being able to explore the world independently allowed for a unique opportunity for freedom and communication between players. The game was juuuuust weird enough to hold the attention of edgy pre-teens at a time when MTV was still a thing. Honestly, without the soundtrack, I don’t know if this game would have worked. Without your limited powerups, it’s a surprisingly slow slog around the overworld. But, grab a friend and you’ll both be bopping to the a mad jamz of Toejam & Earl.
2)Octodad (Mac/PC 2014)
Ope, let me just squeeeeze right past ya.
Here’s a new game to me: Octodad! I had no idea this game existed and it looks…well…look at it! This game could have easily gone on my Odd-gust list last month, but I wanted to save it for this month because the movement is absolutely ridiculous. You control Octodad with the mouse. The left button raises his left “foot” and the right button raises his right “foot.” Then you move the mouse in the direction where you want your feet to go and release the buttons to lower the feet back to the ground. What’s the goal? You are an octopus posing as a human who is trying to not raise the suspicions of his family while avoiding a Japanese chef that wants to cook you. Who comes up with this stuff!? I actually have an answer for that – college kids! The game was created by students at DePaul University for a showcase at the 2011 Independent Games Festival. Apparently they were doing something right as the students ended up becoming one of 8 winners to be awarded for their work at the festival. So, next time you’re doing homework, remember, you could have been designing a game about an octopus who thinks he’s a person.
Honorable Mentions:
Ward from Final Fantasy 8 (Playstation 1999)
Casually using a giant harpoon as a weapon.
Banjo Kazooie’s Talon Trot (N64 1998)
Next stop: the chiropractor.
Eddy Gordo from Tekken 2 (Playstation 1996)
He’s got legs and he knows how to use them.
QWOP (Browser 2008)
::”Chariots of Fire” starts playing::
Bennett Foddy, who also created Getting Over It, didn’t want to work on his philosophy dissertation, so he decided to bless the world with QWOP. It is as crazy as it looks. Using just the four letters in the game’s title, you control the runner’s thighs and calves while trying to reach a distance of 100 meters. If you could get past 10 meters, you were considered a god at this game. I seem to recall that I’d get my runner to either hop on one foot toward the goal, or he would be sort of down on one knee just shuffling forward until ultimately falling on his face. I never reached the goal. An even more impossible version of the game now exists for mobile devices. Additionally, a two-player edition released in 2012. QWOP even made an appearance on an episode of The Office where you can see Toby playing the game at his desk. Let’s be thankful for procrastination or else QWOP may have never existed.
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That’s it for this month! Can you think of any games where characters have memorable movements? Leave me a comment. Also, you can now SUBSCRIBE to my blog via e-mail Enter your address at the bottom of my Bonus Stage page to get posts sent directly to your inbox. Thanks for reading, and keep your eyes peeled for next month’s post!
“Shhhh!” he hushed loudly, turning to the crowd of rowdy bikers. “I’m trying to use the phone!”
The bikers did NOT like being told what to do. Who was this guy in his neat, grey suit with a tiny red bowtie? Silently and slowly, they all stood and started to approach the little dweeb.
“Did anybody tell you that this was the private club of the Satan’s Helpers?” questioned a biker in round shades as he took hold of the payphone and promptly placed it back on the receiver.
“Nobody hipped me to that, dude,” replied the man wearing the red bowtie who was trying his best to match their lingo.
“It’s off limits!” the biker screamed back.
Realizing what was about to happen, red bowtie tried to recover from his blunder. “Oh… well… my mistake!” he said with a loud laugh. “Guess I’ll be on my way then!” He giggled again.
The bikers stared while red bowtie tried to excuse his way past them. Forming a human wall, they made sure the only direction this man went was toward the exit. Upon reaching the door, they shoved him outside and promptly shut the door behind him. Nonchalantly, red bowtie began to walk away. He had only gone a few feet when – OOPS – he tripped into a motorcycle parked along the club. EVERYONE’S motorcycle was parked along the club! Like dominos, they tumbled over, each one knocking into the next until none remained standing. Red bowtie looked like he was going to cry.
Suddenly, the door of the club swung open. A murderous cry arose when the bikers saw what had happened. They grabbed the man with the red bowtie and threw him inside, tossing him on his back atop the nearest table.
“I barely touched them!” Bowtie pleaded. The bikers growled.
“I say we kill him!” one suggested, making a slicing motion with his hand across his neck.
“Yeah!” the crowd agreed.
“I say we hang him… then we kill him,” another offered. The crowd agreed again.
In rapid succession, another man had his own ideas. “I say we stomp him, then we tattoo him, then we hang him, and then we kill him!” Each short phrase was echoed by an enthusiastic “yeah” from the riled crowd.
Bowtie was running out of options. Acting like a ventriloquist, he threw out another option into the universe, barely moving his lips at all. “I say we let him go…” he muttered, acting as if the thought couldn’t possibly be coming from him.
It didn’t fool the bikers. “Nooooo!” they shouted together.
From out of nowhere, a whistle alerted the other men. A woman appeared and broke through the crowd. She grabbed bowtie by his shirt and pulled him up toward her.
“I say you let me have him first,” she said with a sneer. The men roared in laughter.
“Wait!” Bowtie said, turning to the crowd. “Don’t I get a last request?”
The man in shades looked around before shrugging. “Why not?”
Bowtie ran quickly toward the jukebox…
This post was written in honor of the 35th anniversary of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. What was your favorite moment from Pee Wee? Was it this movie? Was it his show? Something else? Leave me a comment and let me know!
Making all of this content takes a lot of energy and work! If you’re feeling generous and would like to support my projects, consider “buying me a coffee” or two or ten from the following website: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/erichagmann
Say hello to the month of Odd-gust! Bizarre games are par for the course as we take a look at some of the most off-the-wall ideas that have ever graced our screens.
10) Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Apple II/MS-DOS 1984)
Oh, freddled gruntbuggly…
Grab your towel and try not to panic! If you thought games like Maniac Mansion and Monkey Island were hard, imagine trying to play a game where you can only use your words and all of the visuals are created solely by the images in your head. Text-based adventure games started players off by describing a scene, and then it is up to you to use various input commands like “look”, “go [direction]”, “inventory”, or “take [item]” to navigate your environment. With each new input, the game either progresses by describing the result of that action, or you are told that your move is not allowed.
In the early 80’s, Software company, Infocom, was brought on to develop a text-based adventure game of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Up until then, the Zork series was their best-known franchise. Hitchhiker’s author, Douglas Adams, worked alongside developer Steve Meretzky to create the project, and it was released in 1984. One quirky aspect about Infocom games is that they would often come packaged with real life objects to help enhance your gaming experience. For Hitchhiker, these “feelies,” as they were known, included objects like a “Don’t Panic!” button, a paper authorizing the destruction of Arthur Dent’s house, and a fictional brochure entitled “How Many Times Has This Happened to You?”
Gamers who were unfamiliar with the source material were prone to struggle with the more difficult puzzles as the plot, apart from a few select sections, literally followed the sequence of events from the story. When I tried this game awhile back having not read the book in years, I was unable to get past even the very first room to meet up with my friend Ford Prefect from Betelgeuse V for a drink at the local pub. The game has since been updated with a new hub to give players a better sense of their surroundings. If you want to give it a shot yourself, it can be played on BBC’s website here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1g84m0sXpnNCv84GpN2PLZG/the-game-30th-anniversary-edition.
9) Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy (Mac/PC 2017)
If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning.
When an Australian game developer grew nostalgic for the limited, challenging video games that came to his country in his youth, he decided to make a game that, should you make one tiny mistake, would crush your soul into oblivion – just like the good old days. In Getting Over It, you control a man named Diogenes who utilizes a rock climbing hammer and, akin to his Greek counterpart, is eternally stuck inside a large metal pot. With the inability to use his legs, Diogenes must use his hammer to pull himself forward and climb a seemingly endless mountain of rocks and other obstacles in hopes of eventually reaching outer space itself. If you slip, you risk falling hopelessly back to the bottom of the mountain, forcing you to repeat the process all over again without the comfort of the checkpoints that we’ve grown accustomed to in contemporary gaming. All the while, Bennett Foddy, the game’s creator, fills the airwaves with philosophical advice as he provides a constant stream of narration during your trials and tribulations.
Foddy is no stranger to weird projects. He is also credited with creating QWOP, a game where you control the legs and limbs of a track runner with a keyboard using just the four letters in the game’s title. (Check out his website for more info on his wild creations: http://www.foddy.net/). If you’re looking for a challenge that almost certainly ends in tears, Getting Over It is for you!
8) The Manhole (Mac OS 1988)
Smaug loves retirement.
You enter the tower and a pig, who is dressed up in renaissance clothes, sporting an eyepatch, and holding a scepter, recites this poem to you:
Made with clams and moldy jelly, Buy your tires from Pirelli. They’re always best with French Vanilli. It’s wet, so take your pink umbrelli.
The pig goes on to ask your thoughts. If you select the “thumbs up” (predating YouTube by decades), you can hear an applause. Then the pig tells you that “you can pass – only because you recognize my poetic genius.”
Later, you help an elephant navigate a tiny boat through watery tunnels. Then, a jive-talkin’ dragon in sunglasses welcomes you to his “cool pad” and accidentally burns a biscuit using his fiery breath. “Woah, baby, what a shame!” he exclaims.
The Manhole was the first game created by brothers Rand and Robyn Miller who would, just a few years later, go on to develop their wildly successful adventure puzzle game Myst. Gameplay between the two games are incredibly similar as they both feature point-and-click play to navigate your strange surroundings. When exploring The Manhole, you come across a book that lets you travel to a new destination when you touch an image shown on the right page. This game mechanic became the main inspiration for the story of Myst where the player travels to new worlds using books.
Take a look, it’s in a book.
As a kid, whenever I went to my friend’s house, I would always find an excuse to play The Manhole on their computer. No matter how many times I climbed a giant beanstalk, met a Walrus who talked like a pirate, or created stars in the sky, I never got tired of exploring its environment.
7) Uniracers (Super Nintendo 1994)
“Not cool enough.”
What if I told you that Pixar is the reason we now have a series of violent video games? Well, that’s only MOSTLY true! In 1995, Pixar sued the makers of Uniracers, DMA Design, for allegedly copying their unicycle design from their 1987 short film Red’s Dream. Despite the design team’s defense that there are literally only so many ways one can make an animated unicycle, the judge sided with Pixar. In a 2010 NintendoLife interview with Mike Dailly, the designer attested that the judge “should have looked at the game as a whole. If he had, then he would have noticed that the game was a completely different environment, and the ‘character’ of the unicycle just wasn’t the same.” Because of the ruling, Nintendo was forced to stop making cartridges of the game, and Uniracers was only able to sell 300,000 copies of their initial run. Two years later, DMA Design would release the first Grand Theft Auto game for the original Playstation. I really want to believe that the team was so upset by the lawsuit that they decided to take out their anger by stealing cars and and beating up pedestrians – virtually, of course.
As an aside, the same company that gave us Uniracers also gifted the world, just a few years earlier, with the cutesy, puzzle-platformer Lemmings. Now, I’m wondering when we will see a game where Lemmings ride unicycles to go on crime sprees.
6) Q*Bert (Arcade 1982)
@!#?@!
Have you ever been browsing an art museum and thought to yourself, “Gosh, that drawing would make an excellent video game!” Inspiration for Q*bert struck after Jeff Lee of the developer Gottlieb drew a picture that resembled an M.C. Escher piece. He then drew an armless, orange character who shot projectiles from a long snout. Together with Warren Davis, they worked to craft a quirky game, then under the title of Cubes, where the protagonist jumped from block to block defeating enemies with “mucus bombs.” Davis eventually removed the shooting mechanic to help simplify the controls as the 45° perspective was unique to arcade games at the time. When the Vice President of engineering, Ron Waxman, saw the project, he suggested that the tile colors changed after landing on them. And thus the primary objective for Q*bert was born.
Because of the “mucus bombs,” Lee originally wanted to name the game Snots and Boogers. That idea was rejected. For a time, the game was simply called “@!#?@!” named after the dialogue box of “swearing” that appears when the protagonist is defeated by an enemy. Again, the idea seemed impractical. Later, “Hubert” became a viable suggestion. Wanting to incorporate the “cubes” idea from the working title, “Hubert” became “Cubert,” then “Cubert” became “Q-bert,” and, finally, the hyphen was exchanged for an asterisk to give us the spelling that we have today. In a 2008 article of Retro Gamer, “The Making of Q*Bert” by Kim Wild, Warren Davis admitted that he wished they stuck with the hyphen because the asterisk “prevented the name from becoming a common crossword term and it is a wildcard character for search engines.”
Q*bert is still recognizable even today. He appeared in Walt Disney’s Wreck It Ralph in 2012, and he also played a part in the 2015 film Pixels featuring Adam Sandler and Kevin James. I’m sort of glad they went with the name change. I don’t think Hubert from Snots and Boogers would have been quite as iconic.
5) Baby Boomer (NES 1989)
Boomer will live!
One of the few Nintendo games that used the NES Zapper, Baby Boomer is like a weird cross between Lemmings and the whacky plot of Baby’s Day Out released in theaters a few years later. In the game, it is your job to protect Baby Boomer (yes, that’s his name) as he crawls carelessly forward unaware of the dangers that surround him. How do you protect him? Do you just walk over there and pick him up so you can bring him to safety? NO! You watch from afar and shoot at anything that approaches him! Additionally, you’re responsible for building bridges or freezing fire so the baby may continue forward. How do you build bridges? You fire at clouds so they can release snowflakes that create ice bridges below them. Obviously.
At first, stages are typical as you escort the child through a park, but the game takes a sudden dark turn when you’re blasting at ghouls while the baby navigates a graveyard. Other settings include caves and mines. Still pretty normal… until… the baby lands in HELL! No, it’s not just a typical fire stage like you see in other video games. It is actually Hell. Suddenly, you are Virgil and the baby is Dante – except this time you are shooting demons with a gun. When you succeed, the baby is transported to Heaven, and now you must prevent it from falling from the clouds. Eventually, it makes its way back to its mother only, in a WiLd twist, we learn that the baby doesn’t belong to this mother. *This* woman was looking for HUBERT – not Baby Boomer! Maybe she should check over at Snots and Boogers.
Stranger yet, Baby Boomer is one of the few unlicensed NES games that were developed for the system. It was made by one man, Jim Meuer, of Color Dreams who were known for their colored cartridges. In particular, Baby Boomer came in a light blue casing. Two years later, Colors Dreams became Wisdom Tree, Inc. which was an American developer that specialized in Christian video games (the very same company that brought us Bible Adventures!). One would think that using a gun to protect a baby as it traverses Heaven and Hell goes against their message….
However, there were two unfinished projects from the Color Dreams era that were totally in touch with this line of thinking. First, Hellraiser was a first person shooter that used the game engine from Wolfenstein 3D. The second game involved a character that was trapped inside a human corpse that must escape before being consumed by insects. It was aptly titled Maggots. Now that I think of it, these games might be perfect for 2020.
4) Katamari Damacy (PS2 2004)
Walkin’ Mr. Sunshine!
Whoops! The King of All Cosmos accidentally destroyed the stars and the moon! As the prince, you are tasked with rebuilding the universe by using an adhesive ball known as a katamari to roll up objects until it’s large enough to create a new star. At first, the ball is tiny and you may find yourself rolling up items like thumbtacks, matchsticks, and dice. But before you know it, you’re picking up small fruit, then animals, then trees, then people, then cars, then buildings…. and so on and so on until you can eventually pluck ships from the ocean and clouds from the sky. I was amazed at the scope of this game. Every time my katamari (which literally means “clump”) grew larger, I’d think that there’s no way it could possibly get any bigger. Then the game would zoom out even further and take me completely by surprise. I found myself wanting to replay levels again and again to see if there was a limit to the size of my clump. I think, at one point, my katamari was so large that I could easily roll across the entire Earth in seconds while catching stray asteroids that flew by me.
Keita Takahashi, the game’s creator, originally had much different plans for his characters. Initially calling his idea Action Drive, Takahashi wanted a plot where the Prince, at the behest of the King, sought to rescue the Queen who was kidnapped by agents on Earth. To accomplish this goal, the Prince would use his hammer-shaped head to strike humans. While they were fazed, the Prince would then attach a steering wheel to the back of their head so he could drive them around their environments. A driving game, Crazy Taxi, was actually the inspiration for this type of gameplay. Action Drive, however, was cancelled. Searching for new ideas, he turned to a Japanese school game called Tamakorogashi which has the objective of pushing a large ball into a goal. With the help of students from the Namco Digital Hollywood Program, Takahashi revived his royal characters and began work on what would eventually become Katamari Damacy. I am thankful we got the game we did and not some weird B-movie plot where steering wheels are jammed into the back of our heads. Get out!
3) Push Me Pull You (PS4/Computer 2016)
Alone in the world was a little CatDog.
Push Me Pull You is a game for 2-4 players where a set of CatDog-like humans crawl around a circular arena and fight for control of a ball. The pattering of hands is prominent as they rush towards the center of the circle, and upon colliding your sausage bodies together, it sounds as if you’re in a room full of balloons being vigorously rubbed together. Cleverly, the game’s name comes from the pushmi-pullyu llama who appeared in the 1967 Doctor Dolittle film starring Rex Harrison. Push Me Pull You was the first game made by the four-person Australian development team of House House. When someone at the company posted a stock photograph of a goose in their internal communications, they got an idea for their next game… The trailer for the Untitled Goose Game was released a year after the completion of their first project. One fun fact about the Untitled Goose Game is that they originally had it in mind to name it Some Like It Honk, an obvious play on the 1959 film title, Some Like It Hot, directed by Bette Midler and starring Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, and George Raft. I guess the developers really liked movies from that era!
What will be the next big thing on the internet after cats? Well, back in 2014, the lead developer at Coffee Stain Studios, Armin Ibrisagic, was banking on goats. If you were big into Vine, you’ll find that he wasn’t too far off. Goat Simulator was created as a joke prototype for a “game jam” where developers would have 24 to 72 hours to build a game from start to finish. The game has been compared to skateboarding games like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, but, according to Ibrisagic, “instead of being a skater, you’re a goat, and instead of doing tricks, you wreck stuff.” A video of the project made it’s way to YouTube and garnered over a million views in just two days. Enamored by the multitude of glitches that were intentionally left in the alpha version, fans of the footage clamored for a full release of the game. After receiving this type of attention, the company decided to finish the project but wished to retain the whacky glitches that sparked some entertaining antics. Steam, a digital distribution service, was their top choice for selling the title, but they were concerned that the parent company, Valve, wouldn’t allow a game that was seemingly so broken. They decided to fix anything that would crash the game completely but left in the rest of the quirks. Corresponding with Valve yielded positive results, and Valve is even quoted as saying, in jest, that “[Valve’s marketing manager DJ Power] has started wearing a goat costume to work he’s so excited about this game.”
Some of the weirder aspects of the game include sacrificing humans to earn an ability ripped straight from Katamari, commanding a castle of goat warriors, and flying through space after being abducted by a flying saucer. Beyond that, you are basically free to do anything you want using your exceptionally long, sticky tongue to tote objects around the world. Pop culture references are rampant, and there’s even a secret that pays homage to our #10 game (it involves whales). Furthermore, a cross-promotional update involves our #1 game… Read on to find out more! Goat Simulator is perfect for someone looking for a few hours of mindless entertainment.
Honorable Mentions:
Hello Neighbor (Various 2018)
He’s a man of peace in a savage land… Suburbia.
PaRappa the Rappa (Playstation 1997)
Kick, punch, it’s all in the mind!
Day of the Tentacle (Mac OS/MS-DOS 1993)
I feel like I could TAKE ON THE WORLD!
Pepsiman (PS1 1999)
Pepsi for TV game! Ha ha ha Ha!
1) I Am Bread (Various 2015)
The best thing since sliced bread.
You are bread. You want to be toast. And that’s the game. Similar to QWOP controls, you get just four buttons to navigate a slice of sentient bread through rooms of a house while searching for a heat source to warm your floury figure. Extra points are given if you can cover yourself in things like jam or butter. If you touch anything unsanitary, like the floor, then your “edibility” meter decreases. If the meter reaches 0%, you fail the game and have to restart from the beginning of the stage. Doing a quick search on YouTube, you’ll find that a common theme resonates amongst Let’s Players who attempt to sizzle their slice: pure rage.
Amusingly, I Am Bread is in the same universe as Surgeon Simulator 2013 which was made by the same company. Over the course of the game’s events, you learn that the owner of the house, Mr. Murton, is becoming increasingly paranoid that someone is breaking into their home and taunting them with slices of toasted bread. I won’t give away the ending, but I will say that things get a wee bit crazy.
As mentioned before, I Am Bread also did a cross-promotional update with Goat Simulator which adds a RAMpage mode to the game (and conversely allows players in Goat Simulator to play as a piece of bread). Another mode has players traversing a room with a sleeping Heavy from Team Fortress 2 while trying to complete a sandwich. Finally, one last mode adds Starch Wars to the experience where you control a bread spaceship that flies through the cosmos and engages in dogfights with oncoming enemy yeast-crafts. To finish things out, I will leave you with the opening sprawl:
EPISODE IV A NEW LOAF
After the destruction of the Petrol station, the remaining crumbs of the rebellious fleet have been intercepted on route to All-dough-naan.
In their time of knead the rebel distress signal is picked up by a lone freedom fighter known as Bread Leader.
To protect the fleet, Bread Leader has engaged the pursuing forces of Dough Baker.
The future of the galaxy rests on the success of this confrontation…
Making all of this content takes a lot of energy and work! If you’re feeling generous and would like to support my projects, consider “buying me a coffee” or two or ten from the following website: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/erichagmann
Thanks for reading! What are some other weird games that would fit the theme for this month? Be sure to check back in September for my next list!
Welcome to Ju-LIE! Today, we explore times where games have used lies or deception either to fool characters or YOU, the player! This article might contain a few spoilers, but I’d like to think a lot of these games are old enough where this won’t be necessarily an issue. What are some games you can think of where you’ve been tricked?
10)”Try Again.” – Super Ghouls ’n Ghosts (SNES 1991)
Hello? Is this the armorer? Yeah, I’d like to make a complaint. Your product sucks! Yeah. What happened? Okay, well, I was traversing a land filled with dangerous monsters to rescue the Princess. First of all, when I wear this thing, I have like NO control over my jumping… though, despite how heavy this stuff is, it is handy that I can somehow jump twice… Anyway, out of nowhere, a zombie sprung up out of the ground! I tried to jump out of the way, but a second zombie sprung up in that very next spot. I *barely* tapped it and then, you know what? MY ENTIRE ARMOR FELL OFF!! Yeah! And then I was running around in my underwear!! How can you seriously sell protection this shoddy? What? No, I did not have an upgrade. What does the upgrade do? Better weapon, huh? What about defense? SERIOUSLY? It goes back to my old armor if I get hit just once? That’s barely any better!! Listen. I am calling corporate. You need to seriously rethink your business model. I had to go through this entire process once already, and if I lose my Goddess’s Bracelet in just one hit before defeating Emperor Sardius, I am going to lose my mind. GOODBYE!
9)”We’re Not in Wily’s Castle anymore.” – Mega Man 2 (NES 1988)
Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion ran toward the great chamber in the palace of Oz. Red sludge dripped from the ceiling. Finally, the door slid upward and there he was. The Wizard! But wait, no, it wasn’t the wizard. His form changed and suddenly he was a green alien who circled the room firing shots of light toward the group. “Use the Bubble power you obtained from the Witch!” shouted the Scarecrow. Dorothy searched her basket and found the small bottle that she acquired in one of her previous encounters. She pulled the plastic wand from inside which was covered in the bottle’s liquid contents and held it in front of her face. She drew in a deep breath, thought of home, and then blew forward toward the menacing alien. “Arrrrrgh!” the alien screamed! Bubbles flew through the air, one by one connecting with the skin of the creature. Each pop left a red mark on its body. “Nooooo! My weakness! BUBBLES!!!!” it wretched. Before long, the alien disappeared and the room flashed. Suddenly, the room was bright. A mechanism was on the ceiling that controlled an arm moving in a circular motion. In the corner, an old man sat behind a purple machine wildly pulling at levers and pushing buttons. The group stared at him agape. “Pay no attention to the man behind the purple machine!” the man yelled into a microphone that clearly was no longer working. A horrible, high-pitched sound filled the room as the machine tried to reconcile its malfunction. The old man’s efforts to restart the machine were in vain. With a loud sigh, the machine powered down and the arm crashed to the ground. Immediately, the man jumped forward and begged for forgiveness. Dorothy and her crew finally understood what had happened. This old man had been trying to trick them from the beginning! “Please! Let me go!” he pleaded. They didn’t listen. He would pay for his crimes. After handing him over to the proper authorities, they began their walk home.
Er, wait a minute. I think I mixed up stories here.
8)”Moogles and Cats living together.” – Final Fantasy 7 (PS1 1997)
Hiring Director: So, Reeve, what makes you think you’d be a good employee at Shinra? Reeve: Well, I can use magic to control a stuffed cat that rides a giant, robotic moogle. Hiring Director: Okaaaaaaay… Reeve: Ummmm, and then we can spy on people! Hiring Director: When can you start?
I’m not even going to try to explain this one. Check out this video by 4-8Productions if you want to know more about Cait Sith: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VMC01M-wbE.
7)”Steal from the Dark World and give to the Dark World.” – The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES 1991)
Phew! We rescued the maiden! And…she wants you to go outside? You’re not going to rise up inside a big giant diamond thing and recite a bunch of text about breaking the seal of Ganon? Okay, let’s go outside. Alright, we’re at the exit! Oh, you don’t want to go outside? Well, why did you tell me you wanted to go outside! What if… instead of taking you outside, we go upstairs and bomb a hole in the ceiling. Then, let’s go back downstairs and shine light on you from the hole we made. That’s the next logical step, right? Wait. You don’t like light? OH CRAP YOU’RE A DEMON!
When you stop to think about it, the story of Blind the Thief in A Link to the Past does not make a lot of sense. According to the official Hyrule Historia book, Blind and his gang traveled to the Dark World to seek the Triforce but, like Link as a bunny without the Moon Pearl, were transformed into demons to reflect their true nature upon arriving. So, why is it that Blind takes the form as an imprisoned maiden when we meet him in Gargoyle’s Domain? Is this supposed to be a trick? Or, was he imprisoned by minions of the Dark World. How did he get to the Dark World in the first place? One assumption that can be made is that Blind possessed the Titan’s Mitt when he entered the Dark World. His hideout was formerly in the northeast corner of Kakariko Village (a terrible location for a hideout, by the way), so he likely used the portal to the north on the way to the Lost Woods by removing the large boulder with the strength of his Titan’s Mitt. His hatred of light is what earned him his nickname, but… how did Link even allow light into the dungeon in the DARK world? The only explanation I can come up with for the situation is that Blind was asked by Agahnim to guard the maiden of Gargoyle’s Domain. When he refused, he was turned into the likeness of the maiden, his powers were removed, and he was locked in a cell. To punish him further, the only thing that would break the spell was the one thing that Blind hated most: light. Perhaps, by taking him outside completely, the light would have been too much, and it would have destroyed him completely. Blind, cleverly, knew that there was a room inside the dungeon that would allow just enough light to break the curse but not enough to kill him. So, he redirects Link to this room, which his gang had patched up before to not allow any light, and uses it as one final chance to defeat Link. This theory still leaves a lot unexplained… but, it’s a start!
What if your bad decisions in real life forced you to fight for your life in your nightmares? Vincent Brooks, a 32 year old man-child who is unable to commit to his longterm girlfriend, meets the title character, Catherine, at the Stray Sheep bar. He shortly becomes addicted to her affection but finds that every night after their encounters, he is haunted by nightmares where he must climb a giant tower or fall to his (very real) death. Over time, he learns that other people are having similar nightmares, and it becomes more real to him when a fellow bar-goer is discovered to have died in his sleep. Vincent struggles with moral dilemmas as he continues to spend night after night at the Stray Sheep with his friends waiting for Catherine to show up again. This game is unique in that your choices can alter the story drastically. The mystery surrounding Catherine becomes all the more intriguing as the game presses onward. Developed by the same team who worked on Persona, a version for the Switch is set to release in July 2020. If you haven’t played it before, check it out!
5)”The bigger they are, the more bones they break.” – Shadow of the Colossus (PS2 2005)
Someone important to you has died, so you decide to steal an ancient sword, enter a forbidden land, and ask the help of a mysterious, disembodied entity to revive your friend. The voice then tasks you with slaying 16 giant colossi throughout the region in exchange for its help. Little do you know that each time a colossus is defeated, a piece of the disembodied entity enters your body, and you slowly start to deteriorate over time. Furthermore, a group of men have been actively pursuing you for the theft of the sacred weapon. Upon destroying the final colossus, the men catch up with you just in time to watch your body transform into the full monstrous figure of the entity who had promised to help you. Now a colossus yourself, you begin attacking the men, barely able to control your own actions. The leader of the group takes hold of your fallen sword, plunges it into your weak spot, and the evil is sealed away along with you. When the dust settles, the men leave, and your friend awakens. She walks to a nearby fountain and discovers a baby with horns – the very same horns you had grown as you continued to slaughter the colossi. Is this supposed to be you now? The player is never given a complete explanation. You’ve saved your friend, but at what cost? The entire time, you were just a pawn being used by the entity so it could restore its body. Meanwhile, the colossi were generally docile creatures who had no reason to be driven to extinction. In a game that’s supposed to be all about giant boss battles, your emotions take a toll when you realize the true meaning behind the violence. If you didn’t catch this game when it first came out on Playstation 2, check out the remake released in 2018.
4)”I didn’t know you were called Dennis.” – Super Mario Bros. (NES 1985)
According to the original Super Mario Bros instruction manual, the people who you rescue in the first seven castles are the “Mushroom retainers.” They are described as “seven Mushrooms who originally served in the court of Princess Toadstool, but are now under the spell of the evil Koopa king.” Now, this is an interesting plot point that has never fully been explored! Initially, it seemed to me like the mushroom people were simply captured and locked in the back of the castle… But, maybe they, under the magic spell, were leading Bowser’s forces from each of these locations. However, what the mushroom people say upon being rescued is where this theory falls apart. “Thank you, Mario! But our Princess is in another castle!” When I first played the game, this line led me to believe that Mario was constantly being tricked in his quest to rescue the princess. It wasn’t about the mushroom retainers. He was only trying to rescue the princess and being misled every step of the way. Had Mario chosen first to pursue Bowser’s main castle in world 8, he might have never gone after the mushroom retainers. Though, it could have been a great source of entertainment if you rescued the princess in castle 7 and she said, “Thank you, Mario! But there’s still another missing Mushroom retainer!”
3)”Oh, brother.” – Myst (Macintosh 1993)
Within 10 minutes of wandering around the strange island of Myst, you encounter two brothers. One brother is trapped in a red book and the other is trapped in a blue book. Talking to them separately through scrambled static, they tell you not to listen to the other brother and bring them the pages that correspond to their colored book so that they can be freed. Which one do you trust? The first brother seems mild mannered and collected. The second brother appears to be wild and chaotic. As it turns out, the answer is… neither! The first time you play the game, though, you have no idea that there’s a hidden third option, and upon freeing one of the brothers, they immediately trap you inside of the book where they were imprisoned. You eventually learn that both brothers had been locked away for good reason as their Father, who is on a separate world, tries to figure out what to do with them. As a kid, I had never played a game like this before where no matter what you did, you still technically “lost,” and the solution to find the true ending wasn’t immediately apparent. I loved that Myst remained a puzzle through and through, and the emotional hell you get to experience when you find out that your choices didn’t matter is a nice touch, too.
2)”We’ve sensed it. We’ve seen the signs.” – Undertale (PC/Mac 2015)
Here’s another game that challenges you to question your choices in how you play. As a long time fan of RPGs, I went into this game and quickly fell into the same old routine. Experience and money were my primary focus early on. I knew if I spent a little extra time grinding, it would be easier for me to finish the game in the long run. Encouraging me from the start was Flowey, the happy little flower (likely inspired by the flowers in Magicant of Earthbound) who tells me to “kill or be killed.” Okay, pretty standard RPG stuff here. Except – there was something off about Flowey. He seemed a little crazy….but I was just thrust into a new world inhabited by a civilization of monsters instead of humans. Maybe that was normal. How could I know!? If you want to know for sure, play the game yourself. There are severals ways to approach it that never even crossed my mind the first time I gave it a go. Now, especially if I’m playing an Indie game, I am extra hesitant about my in-game decisions!
“It was all a dream.” – Super Mario Bros 2 (NES 1988)
1)”The cake is a lie.” – Portal (PC/Mac 2007)
Probably the most famous “lie” in a video game is GLaDOS’s promise of cake when you finally complete her testing chambers. As you play through, hidden rooms are found with the message “the cake is a lie” sprawling all over the walls. This, of course, is now a popular internet meme to mean, according to Wiktionary, that you are “chasing after an empty, unattainable goal.” The in-game story behind the message is actually quite interesting, and it involves an Aperture Science Lab Worker known as Doug Rattmann. His adventure is outlined in the Lab Rat comic series which you can read here: https://www.thinkwithportals.com/comic/#1. While our main character, Chell, eventually does get some cake, it was by no means earned through the original promised method. It kind of makes you wonder, though… was there cake hidden away this entire time for subjects who are able to complete the chambers as normal? Perhaps something was programmed into GLaDOS to make her believe that the goal existed even though it’s totally unattainable. One thing is for sure, though… I want to know how her cake measures up to the baking expertise of Princess Peach!
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Welcome to the month of Mune! This month, we explore the top ten instances of moons in video games. What are some of your favorites that should also be included on this list? Let me know in the comments!
10) The Lunar Cry Final Fantasy 8 (Playstation 1999)
Would Lunar like a tissue? Do you want to talk about it?
Nothing drives me up the wall quite as much as when I’m trying to walk to my next destination but an onslaught of random encounters halts my progress every few steps. Have you ever wondered, though, why there are so many monsters?? Final Fantasy 8 actually provides a unique explanation… monsters are from the moon!
Long before the Blood Moon of Breath of the Wild was reviving all the slain creatures of the world, we had the “Lunar Cry” of FF8. During this phenomenon, monsters on the moon would all gather at one location and then, similar to the tides, gravity would cause them to spill out toward the Earth in mass numbers resulting in catastrophic events like the destruction of entire cities. Millenniums would pass between these events, and it just so happens that our main characters get to witness one such occurrence from the cozy vacuum of space.
The entire space sequence is easily the most iconic moment of the game to me, and it features the first ever award-winning “pop” song from a video game, “Eyes on Me” written by Nobuo Uematsu, English lyrics by Kako Someya, and vocals of Hong Kong pop star Faye Wong. Move over, opera scene of Final Fantasy 6!
9) Ending of Portal 2 (PC/Mac 2011) ::SPOILERS??::
What’s your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
If you haven’t beaten Portal 2, maybe you want to skip ahead to number 8. Ready to go on? Okay! Let’s set the scene…
You and your AI personality core companion, Wheatley, have outsmarted GLaDOS for a second time after accidentally waking her from her previous defeat. You accomplish this feat by extracting GLaDOS’s personality core, placing it in a potato, and then replacing it with Wheatley thus giving him full control of the Aperature Science Enrichment Center. Wheatley, in his new position, suddenly becomes mad with power and makes it his prerogative to destroy you just as GLaDOS previously attempted. Before Wheatley is able to bring down the entire facility from his lack of sanity, you, now teamed up with Potato GLaDOS, hatch a plan to put GLaDOS back in her place to get things back in working order. While encountering Wheatley for the last time, a hole is ruptured in the ceiling during your struggle and you just barely catch a glimpse of the moon. As we all know, Portals can only be made on the surfaces of moon rock. With some quick thinking, you shoot your second portal straight at the moon thus causing your first portal to be linked directly to the surface of the moon. Both you and Wheatley are sucked into space, but at the last moment, GLaDOS pulls you back into the facility while Wheatley floats away with a few of the other personality cores.
This may be my favorite video game moment of all time. I love how even in the final battle, you use an element of puzzle solving from what you’ve learned over the course of the entire game in order to bring it all to an end. I remember distinctly having that “wait a minute….” feeling when I realized what I was supposed to do. If we’re never going to see a Portal 3, I’m glad Portal 2 ended as epically as it did to leave such a lasting impression.
8) Rainbow Road Mario Kart 7 (3DS 2011)
It’s called a road. It’s called a rainbow road.
Rainbow Roads have been testing our abilities to stay on the raceway ever since the original track in 1992 on Super Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo. While they’ve all been set in space (is the first one set in space…or is it just a black void?), Mario Kart 7 featured the first track that actually had you racing over the surface of a moon. Craters and rolling Chain Chomps were amongst the obstacles in which you would engage. Additionally, MK7 showcased the first instance of a Rainbow Road that was one long continuous track rather than three laps of the same course. Especially memorable were the sections where you’d use the glider to fly through star-shaped speed boosts while avoiding giant asteroids. Of all the Rainbow Roads we’ve gotten over the years, I think my favorite is found in Mario Kart 7.
7) Space Zone Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins (Game Boy 1992)
Obey Wario! Destroy Mario!
How do you get to outer space? You ride in a giant bubble produced by a hippopotamus!
One of the most interesting aspects of the Space Zone in Super Mario Land 2 is that its boss, Tatanga, is actually the main antagonist of the first Mario Land game. While Mario was off fighting to save Princess Daisy of Sarasaland, Wario seized the opportunity to take over Mario’s castle (Wait… Mario has a castle? Where did he get a castle?) and hide the six golden coins that unlocked the front door. Having suffered defeat, Tatanga sought revenge and was recruited by Wario to guard one of the golden coins in the far reaches of the Space Zone. Mario, seeking readmittance to his castle, dons a space suit and sets off to face the alien invader one last time.
It’s a shame that Nintendo didn’t continue the trend of introducing new villains like this throughout the main Mario series. And how clever of them to use a former boss as a mere henchmen in a sequel! Can you imagine if Bowser was just the boss of the first world in a long quest to face an even greater evil?? I also think Nintendo missed a major opportunity to utilize Tatanga in the Super Mario Galaxy games. I mean, come on! Mario goes to space…but we’re still fighting Bowser?? Bring back Tatanga!
6) Lunar Apocalypse Duke Nukem 3D (MS-DOS 1996)
“Hail to the King, baby!”
“Nobody steals our chicks…and lives!”
If you crossed Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator2 with Bruce Campbell from Army of Darkness, Duke Nukem would be the result. In fact, both of those movies came out around the same time when the original side-scrolling platformer was released in 1991. By January of 1996, we had already seen the rise of first-person shooters with Wolfentstein 3D (1992), Doom (1993), and Marathon (1994). Additionally, the original Playstation had just been released with the N64 following right around the corner.
Duke Nukem 3D stood out in that it, for the most part, ditched the hellish settings of previous games in the genre and placed you in more familiar locations like movie theaters, subways, and hotels. The second episode, however, takes Duke to space to face off against an alien Overlord in an attempt to rescue the babes of Earth. Of course, Duke’s lust for saving beautiful women was only a distraction so the aliens could attack the planet.
My first experience with this game was at a friend’s house and I was drawn-in immediately by the explosive weapons, the whacky catchphrases, and the interactive…environments. Whenever I started up a new game, I knew that it was “time to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I’m all out of gum.”
5) Moon Patrol (Arcade 1982)
This is more fun than a barrel of Earthlings!
Here’s an obscure one – Moon Patrol! I remember playing this initially on Atari when we borrowed a cartridge from a family friend. I also remember being TERRIBLE at the game. The premise of the game is simple. You’re a moon buggy driver trying to navigate the lunar surface while avoiding rocky terrain and attacks from alien UFOs. As the game goes on, more and more UFOs are added to mix with each of their shots causing additional craters on the ground.
As a kid, when most games were just a single screen, I don’t think my young brain was ready to keep track of moving to the right while also worrying about what’s happening above me. I specifically remember obstacles where there’d be two craters or mines in a row with a small space between them. I could never time my jumps quite right and would always end up crashing. If I thought the Atari game was hard, the arcade game was ten times harder. I remember playing it after a round of mini golf at the Mini Putter where I grew up. The quarters didn’t last very long!
Giant birds, hovercrafts, boats, and airships were all par for the course when traveling the vast regions of Final Fantasy 4. I thought we had seen every possible type of transportation. However, then we get to this part of the game (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQPS54TixL4) where a group of magic users summon a giant airship from the depths of the ocean. It’s called….the Lunar Whale? Wait. Where is it taking us? Wait. WAIT. THE MOON!?! We can’t seriously be going to the…holy shit, we’re going to the moon!
Long before Final Fantasy 8 shuttled us to outer space, we explored the red moon of Final Fantasy 4 (known as Final Fantasy 2 in the U.S.). Does the moon actually look red? Nope. But, that’s no moon. It’s actually an artificial structure that orbits the real moon, and it is home to a race of people known as the Lunarians.
I was in 3rd grade when my friend and I reached this plot point. After this moment, I remember being so enthralled by the thought of space travel that, at school, I would ask my teacher to use the computer lab so I could write stories about my friends and me exploring the moon as characters from the game. The last thing I remember about the story was discovering a dragoon knight (my friend Travis) in a cave where a single beam of light illuminated his position. I never did finish my novel. However, it’s fun to think that I was writing fanfics at just 9 years old.
3) Zemoon Walk MECC Space Subtraction (Apple IIe 1985)
You have to learn to Zemoon crawl before you learn to Zemoon Walk.
If grade school taught me anything, it’s that I should be rewarded with games after successfully completing my work. The software developers at MECC had the same idea.
Our younger selves never knew it, but MECC stood for The Minnesota Educational Computing Corporation. Founded in 1973 and based in Brooklyn Center, MN, our favorite education games like Number Munchers, The Oregon Trail, and Space Subtraction were made just down the road from where I grew up.
According to the original manual, “Space Subtraction presents drills that reinforce and reward correct calculation of problems with an opportunity to play games.” Sign me up! Cosmic Creature, Blast Off, Space Match, and Shuttle Trip were a few of the other games featured on the original 8-inch floppy disk. Zemoon Walk, however, was my top choice. Referring again to the manual, “Zemoon Walk drills on whole number subtraction problems with one- or two-digit numbers. After each group of five problems, the student can play a game of ZEMOON WALK. The object of the game is to estimate the coordinate of a safe landing place on the moon.” The manual goes on to contradict itself on the very next page by saying the game is played after every eight problems. Honestly, I thought it was after correctly answering ten problems… (After watching a video, I learned that eight is the correct number).
Anyway, if you look at the picture above, you’re trying to land your alien friend, Zebug, onto either of the two flat spaces on the ground. The numbers at the bottom are the coordinates, and it’s up to you to guess a number that will be suitable for the craft. My strategy was to divide the screen in half, figure out the mid number by dividing the high number by two, and then attempt to make subdivisions to further help my estimate. After awhile, I got pretty good and was always excited to see the little animation that resulted (To see for yourself, go here [warning…naughty language]: https://youtu.be/3D9ETASNlP4?t=796). The game must have worked because I was a whiz at our math worksheets. Unfortunately, grad school doesn’t have a MECC equivalent.
2) The Moon Ducktales (NES 1989)
Bless me bagpipes!
If I were to do a Top Ten list of best music on the NES (which I might do!), the Moon Theme from Ducktales would easily earn the #1 spot (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF32DRg9opA). Hiroshige Tonomura, who worked for Capcom and later Taito, is credited with composing the game’s music. Oddly enough, I’m not familiar with any of his other projects. I did, however, listen to bits of music from Destiny of an Emperor, released on the NES around the same time as Ducktales, and you can definitely hear a distinct style.
His Moon Theme went on to appear in 2013’s Ducktales: Remastered with all new arrangements written by Jake Kaufman. My personal favorite version is Kaufman’s arrangement for piano which can be heard during the credits (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HCog0iDPJ8). I loved the piece so much that I even reached out to the composer by e-mail to see if I could get a copy of the sheet music. He never responded.
A few years later, the Moon Theme was cleverly used in the 2017 Disney reboot of Ducktales on the episode “Whatever Happened to Della Duck?” in season 2. Using the main melody, Della Duck sings a lullaby to calm a crying Moon Mite (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJW5n8f0Z9o).
Going back to the game, exploration of the moon has Scrooge McDuck searching for the Green Cheese of Longevity by pogoing off of the heads of aliens, trekking through a massive UFO, and summoning the help of Gizmoduck to blast a wall that’s blocking the way forward. At the end of the level, Scrooge confronts a Giant Moon Rat who mutated after eating a portion of the cheese. Once defeated, Scrooge finally claims his prize. This level would be awesome on its own, but Tonomura’s timeless track is what sets it apart from any other game.
Honorable Mentions:
Lunar Outpost Descent (MS-DOS/Mac 1995)
You seem a *descent* fellow. I hate to kill you.
Raphael the Raven fight Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island (SNES 1995)
Look! It’s Raph! Yeah, a little too Raph.
1) Majora’s Moon The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask (N64 2000)
Goodnight, Moon.
Well, it’s Groundhog Day…again…and that must means we’re up here at Clock Town waiting to be crushed by a giant moon summoned by the world’s most-famous master of mischief, Majora, who’s just about to tell us how much more of everything he’s going to consume.
In a bizarro version of Groundhog Day, Link must continuously relive a three-day cycle or else the world will be destroyed by the nightmare version of Earth’s nearest satellite. In real time, this amounts to about 54 minutes of gameplay or 2 hours and 42 minutes if Link plays a particular song on his ocarina to sloooow doooown the tiiime a la Bon Iver. You would think that this is more than enough time to travel to the nearest temple and defeat it’s boss before resetting the cycle (defeated bosses stay defeated and aren’t reset along with everything else). But… it’s not! You have to plot out EVERY small detail of your three-day journey with the utmost precision or you’ll be scrambling harder than a college freshmen trying to meet their 11:59 pm assignment deadline.
There are four temples in total. When I first played this game on the 3DS remastered version, I remember reaching boss rooms with less than five minutes to spare and clenching every muscle in my body trying to figure out attack patterns as the clock slowly ticked down to zero. Some of my most tense battles were won literally at the last second with my counter falling below the ten-second mark. Can you imagine being a few sword slashes away from victory after a grueling play session of 2 hours and 42 minutes only to have all your progress ripped away from you in an instant? It’s infuriating! A loss in Majora’s Mask hits you, and it hits you hard. The only takeaway, ideally, is that you’re now equipped with a little more knowledge to retrace your steps.
Consequently, the game’s seemingly biggest flaw is also its most intriguing feature. You BECOME Phil Connors in that Groundhog Day scene where he knows everyone and he knows what’s going to happen. The pieces slowly come together as you endlessly relive your interactions and the events in Clock Town. Eventually, it’s not a matter of where the hell you are…but WHEN the hell you are! This mechanic fascinated me to no end. I loved following people around to learn their schedules. I loved seeing the town life change between day and night. I loved making connections between characters based on when I spoke with them. While sometimes frustrating, I’d love to see MORE games like this where paying attention to minor details can net you major rewards (See also Beholder on Steam).
Anyway, let’s get back to the main topic… The moon of Majora’s Mask stands out above all others as that ever-looming face inches its way closer and closer to forcing you to spend another 2 hours and 42 minutes of your life in an infinite time loop. Nightmares. Nightmares forever.
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Thanks for reading! Stay posted for another Top Ten list in July!
Welcome to May! This month we celebrate the top ten mazes found in video games! Can you think of any mazes that should also be included? Leave me a comment!
10) 3D Maze Screensaver (Windows ’95)
We all wished this was a real game.
Lines that bounced when they hit the edge of the screen, dots that made you feel like you’re flying through space, and 3D pipes that wrapped around themselves in an endless cycle of knots – these were just a few of the computer screensavers that enthralled us as kids. None of them, however, engaged us quite as much as the Windows ’95 3D Maze screensaver. Do you remember the first time you saw it? It’s not even a game but it FELT like a game. The world drew you in as you silently rooted for the unseen protagonist to reach the goal while avoiding dead-ends and the occasional rat. At times, we were tempted to take control but had to show great restraint in knowing that one touch of an arrow key would disable the animation. So, we sat, we watched, we cheered. For those of us who didn’t yet have a game like Doom or Wolfenstein, this was our best alternative!
9) The Houses of Fester’s Quest (NES 1989)
Nothing says exciting alien adventure like black and white walls and ceilings.
In the late 80’s, the developer Sunsoft decided that Fester of the Addams family needed to face off against an army of alien invaders. Why? Why Fester? Were they looking for a famous face to attach to the game to help its marketability? Were the Addams family particularly popular during this time? I feel like they could have released this game with a random character and it might have done just as well. Or not… The difficulty is immense and, if I remember correctly, there’s a major lack of a password system. You have to play this game in one sitting! If any game needs a remake, Fester’s Quest is the one because it totally *could* be a good game. Flaws aside, one part that always stuck out to me were the “house” sections. For the most part, Fester’s Quest is framed from an overhead perspective where you’d guide the famous uncle around the screen as he blasted strange creatures. But, when you’d enter certain places that housed the alien bosses, the music would stop, and you’d suddenly be in a black and white hallway in a first-person perspective. The shift in tone was unsettling. Were they trying to build up suspense? The mazes weren’t particularly difficult, but I remember feeling totally disoriented trying to navigate these sections. In fact, this might have been my first experience ever playing a game in this way. Once you found the door to the boss, the perspective would change back to the overhead view, and it would just be you vs the alien against a black background. No other parts of the game were like this, so these mazes have always stuck out to me when thinking back to my time with Fester’s Quest.
8) The Lost Woods in The Legend of Zelda (NES 1986)
Lost Woods 1.0.
Admit it. The first time you played this game, you spent a long time wandering the lost woods before realizing that the screen was just repeating over and over again. What was happening? For many of us, the original Legend of Zelda was too cryptic for our young minds, and solving a puzzle like the lost woods meant overhearing a rumor about it from some kids on the bus ride home from school. How else would we know to burn certain bushes or play the flute near a pond? If you did happen to get a clue in the game, I hope you had a notebook nearby. Eventually, you’d stumble upon someone who told you how to get through the lost woods. But with clues like “Eastmost Peninsula is the secret” and “Dodongo dislikes smoke,” you might still be left bewildered. Not to mention, the actual clue that you find is riddled with translation errors: “Go north, west, south, west to the forest of maze.” Thanks, lady.
7) The Hedge Maze in Zombies Ate My Neighbors (SNES 1993)
Who will survive and what will be left of them?
Fun fact: the same developer that brought you classic games like Maniac Mansion, The Secret of Monkey Island, and Super Star Wars also gifted the world with Zombies Ate My Neighbors! LucasArts was known for making some pretty quirky games, and the B-movie premise of ZAMN fits right in with the rest of them. There’s even an appearance of Purple Tentacle in a Day of the Tentacle-theme bonus level. You play as teenagers Zeke or Julie armed with an arsenal of water guns, soda cans, and ice pops as you fend off an onslaught of classic movie monsters. Amidst the chaos, you are also tasked with rescuing your neighbors who apparently are continuing to lounge in their pools or practice their cheer routine out in the open. The fourth level puts you in a giant hedgemaze while trying to avoid masked men straight out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I hated this level, and I’m certain it ended many of my sessions. Thankfully, masked chainsaw men are easily distracted by decoys that look like clowns, and the hedge itself can be blown apart by a shot from a bazooka – just like in real life!
6) The Labyrinths of Breath of the Wild (Wii U/Switch 2017)
Hidden inside you’ll find Davide Bowie and a baby.
One of Breath of the Wild’s greatest strengths is its ability to pique your curiosity. In the first hour of the game, it teaches you to climb to high places and then search your surroundings for areas of interest. When you see something you know you want to explore, you can then place a beacon on that spot to help guide you to that location. During my playthrough, I found myself marking tall mountains, old buildings, or unusual vegetation. Traveling to these destinations always took three times longer than I had anticipated because at each turn, I was finding myself wanting to explore new places that needed investigation. On one such excursion, I reached the edge of a large cliff along the coastline. I stopped to gaze across the ocean only to be greeted by something I had only seen in fantasy movies: a great labyrinth! I tried to fly there but I didn’t yet have enough stamina to reach it. I thought I could get there by boat, but my flimsy craft wouldn’t allow it. The game TEASED me with this massive structure, and I would have to wait many, many hours before I could finally explore it for myself. Getting there is another story, but I’ll always remember the sense of wonder that the labyrinth gave me upon seeing it far off in the distance.
5) Chip’s Challenge (Windows ’95 1989)
Oh, like a computer chip! I get it!!!
Made popular in the Microsoft Entertainment Pack 4 for Windows ’95, Chip’s Challenge stood out amongst Rodent’s Revenge, SkiFree, and JezzBall as one of the few progressive puzzle games from the early days of Windows gaming. Did you know the game had a plot? The story, according to Wikipedia, states that “high-school nerd Chip McCallahan has met Melinda the Mental Marvel in the school science laboratory and must navigate through Melinda’s ‘Clubhouse,’ a series of increasingly difficult puzzles, in order to prove himself and gain membership to the very exclusive Bit Busters Club.” I had no idea! Did Rodent’s Revenge and SkiFree have deep plots as well? (They don’t – but please make one up in the comments!). Anyway, many of the levels in Chip’s Challenge were maze-like in nature and racked your brain as you navigated new types of terrain. Back then, if I wanted some quick fun, I’d play a game or two of Rattler Race, but if I wanted a challenge, then I always came back to Chip! Now, I’m just waiting for Dale’s Challenge.
4) King Sandybutt’s Tomb of Gobi’s Valley in Banjo Kazooie (N64 1998)
Gobi or not Gobi.
I’ve never been a huge fan of desert worlds in games. Super Mario 64 had Shifting Sand Land, Ocarina of Time had the Hyrule Desert, and Banjo Kazooie had Gobi’s Valley (for an example of a GREAT desert game, see Journey for PS3). Gobi’s Valley (seemingly named after a camel who must have done something really special to have an entire valley named after him) is certainly leagues above its counterpart in Super Mario 64. In their quest for Jiggies, Banjo and Kazooie must explore the tomb of King Sandybutt. Upon entering, you are given a warning: Turn back or face his wrath! His wrath, apparently, is to make you navigate a maze in 60 seconds or you’ll be crushed by the ceiling. Kind of a lame wrath if you ask me. I mean, even the Brendan Fraser Mummy could command an army of the dead or control a giant sandstorm. If you manage to complete the maze within the time limit, you are awarded with the “King’s Ancient Relic.” What could it be?? A golden crown? An ancient tome of lost secrets? A magical gem? Nope. It’s just a jiggie. Guh huh!
3) Co-Op Rat Race in Portal 2 (PC/MAC 2011)
“I’d ask you to think outside the box on this, but it’s obvious your box is broken. And has schizophrenia.”
Easily my favorite co-op experience of all time (with a fantastic single player story, too), Portal 2 takes the zany puzzle-solving antics of the first game and adds a second (p)layer. Some of my favorite moments included using a portal to suddenly change the direction of a teammate who had been hurled into the air, timing the launch of a cube so my teammate could catch it in midair, and “accidentally” causing the destruction of a friend just to see them fail. Many of the puzzles required thinking several steps ahead in order for everything to work in the end. By far, the puzzle that topped this experience for me was when one player was sent into a maze while the second player watches from afar. The player watching the maze runner has access to two buttons that will either raise or lower platforms inside the labyrinth. Clear communication is necessary for survival. One small mistake will send your teammate into spikes. I have yet to see a multiplayer experience like this since Portal 2. The “We Were Here” series on Steam comes close, but the creative puzzle solving elements of the Portal games forced me to wrap my mind around uniquely complex concepts. If I couldn’t solve something right away, well, in the words of Back to the Future’s Doc Brown, I am reminded that I’m “not thinking fourth-dimensionally!”
2) Tunnel Runner (Atari 2600 1983)
Me on the first day of school.
Tunnel Runnel had us navigating first-person mazes long before the perspective was commonplace in games like Wolfenstein 3D and Doom. I first learned about this game a few months ago while doing research for my lists. I couldn’t believe this game existed! At first glance, it reminded me of a combination of the house sections from Fester’s Quest and the mazes of Faceball 2000 (originally MIDI Maze on the Atari ST in 1987) for the Super Nintendo (1991). In fact, I wonder if Faceball/Midi Maze was inspired by this game. Both games featured mazes, and both games featured giant floating heads. Most games on the Atari were emulating single-screen arcade games of the time like Pac-Man, Space Invaders, and Frogger. Fewer games yet featured screens that transitioned into other areas (like Pitfall, E.T., and Indiana Jones). Tunnel Runner seamlessly gave the illusion that you were navigating a maze from the first-person perspective. Additionally, you were equipped with a map to help you along your way. If you’ve never played it, give it a try! I found it to be oddly addicting.
Honorable mentions:
Really Inside The Claw Machine Level from Toy Story (SNES 1995)
Hover (Windows ’95 1995)
A scene from a Minnesota four-way stop.
Faceball 2000 (SNES 1991)
Have a nice day.
1) The Mine Cart Section in Myst (PC 1993)
The original Mine Cart Carnage.
Myst is one of the only games where I’ve had to take handwritten notes (apart from the original Zelda) in order to finish it. Back before we had access to an endless supply of online resources, if you wanted to remember something in a game, you kept a notebook nearby. In some ways, I kind of miss this style of gaming, but truthfully, I no longer have the time (or patience) to play games in this way. Anyway, in Myst, there’s a section where you have to navigate a series of tunnels in an automated mine cart. When you enter this area, all you’re given is a cardinal direction display and the ability to move left, right, forward or backward. Every area looks exactly the same with no clues to tell you where to go. So, trial and error! If I hadn’t drawn a map, there’s no way I would have gotten through this section. On a related note, I’ve recently been watching interviews with one of the game’s creators, Rand Miller. His thoughtful incite into the creation of Myst made me appreciate it all the more. Check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWX5B6cD4_4&t=1084s
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It’s Ape-ril and we ARE monkeying around! This month, I’ll be taking a look at the Top Ten instances of primates in video games. In an effort to challenge myself, I’ve decided not to include any of the Donkey Kong characters (since I could easily make a top ten list from those apes alone!). What are some other monkeys you’ve noticed in games? Let me know in the comments below!
10)The Lion King (SNES 1994)
I’m gonna be a mighty king… if I can pass level two.
Oh, I just can’t wait to be done with this level! As a film, The Lion King nabbed the number one spot for highest-grossing film of 1994 and was easily one of my favorite Disney movies as a kid. When the video game adaptation was released later in the same year, little did we know that we’d be crying harder than when we witnessed the tragic fate of Mufasa.
To say that The Lion King game is difficult is an understatement. I really wanted to enjoy this game. Colors were vivid, animations were smooth, and the recreations of the music were nearly spot on. Additionally, voice clips were taken directly from the movie and were cleverly used to pull you immediately into the game (starting with this famous quote from Timon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuhgHzuPYiI).
Yes, Timon, the game does start. And the first level is a fine introduction. The second level, however, puts us right in the middle of the musical sequence that plays out during “Can’t Wait To Be King.” Remember the part in the movie where Simba gets thrown around by some monkeys and then it’s over in like 5 seconds? The game developers thought that those monkeys would be the perfect opportunity to create a puzzle!
Basically, monkeys will toss Simba between each other, and in order to get to the next area, Simba has to roar at pink monkeys so they are facing the correct direction when they throw you. The only problem is that you have no idea which way the other monkeys will throw you based on which direction they are facing, so it’s just trial and error until you get it right. Each time the sequence plays out, it takes like 10 seconds to find out if you did it wrong, and even just climbing back up to roar at the monkeys again is a huge pain. By the time you finally figure it out, you’ll wish the game was out of service, out of Africa, you wouldn’t hang about!
9)”Flip the Chimp” from Mario Party 8 (Wii 2007)
Shout out to the goomba and koopa riding the ferris wheel.
When Mario Party made the move to the Wii in 2007, motion controls naturally complimented the zany gameplay that we knew and expected from the series. One such mini-game was “Flip the Chip” that had players swiping the Wiimote to the left or the right in order to help a chimp avoid the dangers of falling coconuts while trying to be the first to reach the top of a rope.
While the concept of the game is relatively simple, I always really enjoyed the tenseness that would arise amongst friends when you’re seemingly nearing the end. Even if you thought you were finally getting the hang of the swiping mechanic, a spare coconut or two might sneak by you, and suddenly, you’re in last place. Of course, huge game shifts are a staple of the Mario Party series….and that’s why my friends and I can no longer play it together (I’m looking at you, Barrel Train level).
8)”Homer Kong” from The Simpson’s: Bart’s Nightmare (SNES 1992)
Radioactive. Radioactive.
I can’t help but keep coming back to this game. Don’t get me wrong. I hated it! But the vivid imagery has stuck with me for ages.
One of the more enjoyable parts of Bart’s Nightmare is when you play as Bartzilla. In the first section, you are a giant lizard who can breathe fire and shoot lasers to take out the oncoming onslaught of army vehicles who are poised to halt your reign of destruction. Memorably, any time Bartzilla got hit, he would scream the same “Arrrrrr!” over and over again. It was constant. And it was annoying.
Once you completed the first part, you’d be shrunk down and forced to climb a skyscraper while avoiding household objects being thrown from the windows of the building’s occupants. Climbing even higher, Margethra (a Marge version of Mothra) would fly by and knock you down, an attack I was NEVER able to avoid. When you finally reached the top (if you reached the top), you’d face off against the great ape, Homer Kong! It was a weird battle. For some reason during the level, if you pushed any button on the controller, Bartzilla would emit a radiation shockwave that seemingly did nothing at all.
When I first played the game, I had no idea why you could even do it. I would use it during my entire climb hoping to avoid flower pots or the annoyances of Margethra but nothing would ever happen. Even getting to Homer Kong, I didn’t really understand what to do. I can’t tell you the number of times I got to the top and simply tried to climb above him only to get knocked down by one of his punches. Finally, one day I reached the manic monkey and started tapping buttons at random. I just happened to activate my radiation shockwave just as he was about to punch me and… it connected! As a result, he shrunk down in size, fell off the building, and I was awarded with another page of my sacred homework! When in doubt, smash buttons to win!
7)”Yeti” from E.V.O.: Search for Eden (SNES 1993)
I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him.
Here’s another weird game I’ve talked about before… E.V.O. is a game that takes you through billions of years of evolution starting off as a fish in the Cambrian Period and eventually getting the opportunity to evolve into a human (though I wouldn’t recommend it because humans suck) in the Quaternary Period.
By defeating enemies, you can eat their leftover meat to collect EVO points. After collecting enough points, you can spend them in a menu to evolve your head, body, mouth, legs, etc. Body parts can be combined in weird ways, so you might have a mammal with a horse-shaped body, hippo-like jaws and the horn of a bull.
Something I really liked about this game is that it sort of explained why some creatures, real or mythical, no longer exist. For example, we learn about a race of intelligent birds, underwater mermaids, and even another set of primates who were equally competing to evolve into the first humans. Somehow, the story explains why their species didn’t make it, and that’s why we don’t see them around the world today.
Another example of this mythological storytelling happens when the main character is forced to face off against a family of Yeti in the Ice Age. It’s a touching moment because immediately upon defeating the ferocious creature, we learn that we actually destroyed the mom of harmless Yeti youth. They never show up again in subsequent ages, so apparently, there was no return of the Yeti.
6)”Spanky” from Spanky’s Quest (SNES 1991)
::Insert your own Spanky the Monkey joke here::
When a local used video game store opened up in my hometown and offered the chance to trade in old games toward their product, I was determined to take advantage of this opportunity. Grabbing a few unused NES games, I browsed the aisles of this new shop. The pickings were slim. I remember walking around in circles for at least 20 minutes before finally settling on a game that looked….kind of interesting. The box art featured a monkey in a hat hanging out with fruit on a beach. I was reminded somewhat of games like Kickle Cubicle or Lolo, so I decided to give it a shot. When I got home, I was mostly disappointed. Having been used to the fast action of Super Mario World, I was not prepared for the slow-pace gameplay of Spanky’s Quest.
To attack your enemies, you produce a bubble that you then bounce on your head. With each bounce, the bubble gets bigger and bigger. Hitting the button again will turn the bubble, depending on its size, into a various sports ball (baseball, volleyball, soccer ball basketball) that will then rain down on your enemies. When those enemies are defeated, keys can be collected to unlock the doors to the next stage. And that’s the entire game – you bounce bubbles on your head trying to defeat enemies.
The music, surprisingly, is probably some of the best on the Super Nintendo. Composed by Hiroyuki Iwatsuki, who also wrote for the Pocky & Rocky games, the uplifting synth beats reminded me of the demo song on my first keyboard (which I would listen to on repeat).
Anyway, I have since watched a few longplays of Spanky’s Quest on YouTube and the game doesn’t seem all that bad. I think if I went back to it now, I’d appreciate it much more for its platforming aspects and for the clever ways you can approach finishing each level. If you don’t check out the game, at least check out its soundtrack! …And it would be a great game for casual speedrun races!
5)”Bongo” from Congo Bongo (Arcade 1983)
I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
Did you know Donkey Kong had a competitor? That’s right. In 1983, nearly two years after Donkey Kong’s arcade release in 1981, Sega released the isometric platformer Congo Bongo. Why was Donkey Kong iconic and Congo Bongo left to obscurity?
In Congo Bongo, you play as a safari hunter who is trying to exact revenge on a giant ape, Bongo, who apparently set fire to your tent in the middle of the night. To do so, you must climb a mountain while avoiding smaller monkeys and dodging coconuts tossed by the Bongo baddie himself. The core elements from Donkey Kong are there, and it’s set in a location that makes much more sense than a construction site. So, is there something more compelling about the everyday man, Mario/Jumpman, who is on a quest to save his girlfriend from a deadly ape? Additionally, Mario gets a hammer power-up while the nameless safari hunter has no attack at all.
Perhaps the 3d isometric display of the game made it difficult to understand what was happening. When Bongo throws his coconuts, it’s incredibly hard to tell their precise location, and unfair deaths were rampant. I’m pretty sure I played this game in the arcade when I was really young, and I don’t think I ever passed the first stage. However, the game stood out to me, and it’s worth remembering for the DK comparison alone.
What would have happened if Congo Bongo succeeded and Donkey Kong did not? Would we have seen Super Safari Hunter Bros? Congo Bongo Country? Who would win in a fight – Donkey Kong or Bongo? Stay tuned for future pondering on this…
4)”Kiki” from The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (1992)
Link, you realize you have bombs, right?
Wait. Is this the same monkey from Super Mario 64? In Tall, Tall Mountain, we have Ukkiki. Here was have Kiki! What’s going on here? Is Kiki a popular monkey name in Japan? And then there’s Kiki’s Delivery Service… Okay, I looked it up. Kiki is not a traditional Japanese name. It’s Korean (meaning “lovely flower”) and it also appears in Egypt (meaning “from the castor plant”).
Anyway, THIS Kiki is an entrepreneur who apparently is the only creature in all of Hyrule that can hit the switch on top of the Palace of Darkness. Link can’t climb, he doesn’t yet have the hookshot, nor can he grab a cucco to float from above. So, the only option is to pay Kiki 100 rupees to open the door for him. What is Kiki even going to do with 100 rupees? Is there a monkey store nearby? Maybe she’s working for someone? Is Link really the only person to ever open the palace door? This business model seems a little sketchy to me.
3)Ape Escape (PS 1999)
Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!
Ape Escape was a game I always wanted to try but never got my chance. I even had a strategy guide for it (probably from a promotion for a magazine re-subscription, I’m guessing).
This was the first game on the original Playstation to require the use of the DualShock controller with the left and right analog joysticks. I believe the left joystick let you controller your player while the right joystick toggled your net for capturing monkeys. Oh yeah, the point of the game: capturing monkeys! Apparently, a white-haired amusement park monkey finds a prototype of a Professor’s intelligence-increasing helmet (Doc Brown?). Upon putting it on, a wave of intelligence surges through his brain, BUT he also becomes….EVIL!!!! Then, he makes more of these devices to intelligize other monkeys and, naturally, SENDS THEM BACK IN TIME TO REWRITE THE HISTORY OF EVOLUTION. We must have missed that part in E.V.O. So, as a young kid caught up in the action, it becomes your job to round up all the monkeys and make sure history is set straight! Was this the real prequel to Planet of the Apes?
2)”George” from Rampage (NES 1986)
George, George, George of the City.
Putting us in the radioactive shoes of characters based on our favorite Japanese monster movies, Rampage is a game that lets us literally destroy the world. This was one of the first arcade games I remember that allowed simultaneously gameplay for three people at the same time (in addition to Super Off Road and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). Players could take control of either Lizzie (basically Godzilla), Ralph (a giant werewolf), or George (basically King Kong). I’m pretty sure I always went with George. Maybe I was drawn to the ape-like character because I already had an affinity for Donkey Kong?
Fortunately, I didn’t have to rely on just the arcade to play this game. A friend who lived down the street owned the NES port, and I’m certain we spent one day playing through all 128 levels of building-smashing fun.
Many years later, an “updated” version of this game was released on Wii and in the most Nintendo move ever, the developer (Midway) decided to try to channel their inner-arcade by forcing players to use the Wiimote like a joystick. Yeah. Instead of holding the controller normally, you would hold the Wiimote vertically in midair and then move it left or right to control the direction of your monster. It did not work at all. I don’t think we were able to finish even one level because the control was so bad – and there was no option to change it over to traditional controls. This was a huge disappoint to someone who enjoyed the game so much in their childhood. Here’s hoping that they re-release it again someday with an update to the controls.
On a tangent, there was always a 2018 movie made based on this game! Did anyone it? I definitely did not…but I’m intrigued for the nostalgia factor alone.
Honorable Mentions:
”Porter” from Animal Crossing (Gamecube 2002)
I don’t know anything about Animal Crossing.
“Conga” from Banjo Kazooie (N64 1998)
Coconuts again!
“Ukkiki” from Super Mario 64 (N64 1996)
Mario solves the mystery of the Monkey Cage.
“Data” from Mega Man Legends (PS1 1997)
He saves your game and he’s THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER!
1)”Aiai, Meemee, Baby, and Gongon” from Super Monkey Ball 1 & 2 (Gamecube 2001/2002)
I’ll love you when you’re gone, Gongon.
As a long-term fan of Marble Madness, Super Monkey Ball takes the Marble Madness-formula and ramps it up for a new era of gamers. For those of you who don’t know the premise, you guide a monkey (in a ball) down a winding course of obstacles toward a goal. Easy! Something unique about the gameplay is that you don’t actually control the monkey(ball). Instead, you use the joystick to tilt the entire stage in different directions. It’s kind of like those old wooden labyrinth games with the marble and the holes.
While the main game is certainly enjoyable, I always found the multiplayer games to be the true source of entertainment. Simple games like Monkey Fight (trying to force players off the stage a la Smash Bros by using a giant punching glove connected to your ball) and Monkey Race (Mario Kart with balls) were included in the original Super Monkey Ball. Its sequel, however, had my favorite selections: Monkey Golf and Monkey Target.
Monkey Golf is exactly what it sounds like: a golf game where you whack the monkeys toward a hole in the least amount of strokes as possible. For not being a dedicated golf game, course designs were surprisingly unique and you had the option to play up to 18 holes. Monkey Target sent your monkeys down a steep slope off a ramp to be launched high in the air. Pushing a button would turn your ball into a hang glider. Once aerial, monkeys could be guided toward a target on the ground with various point values. In multiplayer, you could try to foul up your rivals in the air or even attempt to knock them off the target upon landing. Whoever got the most points in the end was the winner! Because of the quick rounds, my friends and I always found ourselves wanting to go “just one more round!”
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Welcome to Blarch!!!! (I swear the puns get better in future months). This month we take a look at the Top Ten gross things found in video games! Why? Because blaaaaaarch! (That was seriously the best pun I could muster). So, put away your maturity for a minute as we dive into the toilet of gaming!
Barney: I got me a part time job working as a Santa down at the mall. Homer: Wow, can I do that? Barney: I dunno, they’re pretty selective. (Barney belches loudly)
Falling under the category of “games that I wanted to love but ultimately really hated” is The Simpsons’s: Bart’s Nightmare. Of course, we shouldn’t be surprised. Bart Vs. The Space Mutants and Bart Vs. The World, both for the original NES, were terrible games. However, childhood me was already excited by the characters and didn’t yet understand that most games based on TV/Movies are probably going to be bad. I actually own Bart’s Nightmare and it is incredibly difficult. Basically, you navigate Bart, who falls asleep while trying to start his homework, through a dream world to collect pages of his paper. When you find a paper, you’re presented with two doors that will lead you to a mini-game of sorts that will award you with a piece of paper upon completion. The more papers you collect, the higher your grade will be at the end (can someone teach me how to dream-write papers?). One such mini-game involves Bartman flying over the Nuclear Power plant avoiding radioactive clouds, Krusty balloons, and full-on missiles. So, nothing gross so far….right? Then you come across your first boss: the town drunk, Barney, riding a flying purple elephant who shoots peanuts while he loudly burps out toxic belch clouds. Yes, this game truly is a nightmare.
9) Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure (Sega Gensis/SNES 1994/1995)
If you had jalapeños and beans for every meal…
It was the mid 1990’s and gross-out humor was in full swing. I never played Boogerman but some of my favorite cartoons like Ren and Stimpy and Ahhh! Real Monsters fell right in line with the crowd that Boogerman was trying to attract. Just take a look at the commercial that was playing ad nauseam in 1995 when the game released: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIUF4R7ghpk. Both Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Dumb and Dumber came out just the year before, so a game about taking out enemies with your “atomic butt blast” didn’t phase us one bit.
8) WarioWare, Inc. – Gold Digger (First appeared on GBA 2003)
A bigger question: whose fingers are those?
Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ wit no broke, broke. Whenever I think of WarioWare games, I always think of the above image. For those of you who aren’t familiar with WarioWare, the premise is simple: you are presented with a series of “micro-games” and have just a few seconds to compete a random task that pops up on the screen. In “Gold Digger,” all you see are a nose and two fingers moving left and right when the word “Pick!” flashes up on the screen. Then, you have approximately one second to push the button at just the right time so you can successfully pick your nose. It’s weird, it’s frantic, and it makes you wonder, how did Wario end up in this weird genre of games? He started as a menacing Bizarro character to antagonize Mario in Super Mario Land 2: The Six Golden Coins. His greed for treasure is expanded further in the Wario Land games. And then, suddenly… he appears in Wario Blast, a Bomberman clone, for the Game Boy in 1995. So, we’ve established that Wario is greedy and he likes to blow things up… Uhhhhhhhhh, MINI-GAMES! Perhaps this is why Nintendo is so careful about their beloved Waluigi so he doesn’t suffer a similar fate!
7) Banjo Kazooie – Loggo (N64 1998)
When Drano doesn’t work…
I’m in Mad Monster Mansion. Mumbo just turned me into a pumpkin. What can I possibly do with this new…power? Oh! Now I can flush myself down a toilet! I think the part I love about this section of Banjo Kazooie is that there’s really no clue or indication that you should try to flush yourself down the toilet. You simply have to put two and two together to realize that you’re now the size of something that would fit comfortably within the bowels of the toilet bowl. Equally amusing is that Loggo asks you to “lock the door on the way out” as if the toilet also has to use the toilet. Do toilets go to the bathroom? I’m genuinely curious about this…
6) Ren and Stimpy: Veediots – The Boy Who Cried Rat (SNES 1993)
Don’t forget to floss.
So, we’ve already talked a little bit about the pitfalls of video games based on TV/Movies…and Ren & Stimpy: Veediots is no exception. I remember excitedly renting this game (from Family Video!) only to be deeply disappointed. I couldn’t even get past the first stage…and there are only 4 stages in total! “The Boy Who Cried Rat” references Ren & Stimpy’s 11th episode, “Ren’s Toothache,” where Ren deals with the consequences of refusing to brush his teeth. It’s…awful (you can watch it here: https://renandstimpy.fandom.com/wiki/Ren%27s_Toothache). Anyway, in the level, you navigate Ren through a decaying mouth to fight the Tooth Beaver who feasts on nerve endings. Meanwhile, gnashing teeth attempt to crush you unless you’re able to hide safely in toothless crevices throughout the stage. This was the section I couldn’t complete. I guess I was too young and too impatient…though I was able to get through similar sections in games like Mega Man and Little Nemo: The Dream Master. Then again, those are actually good games.
5) Day of the Tentacle – Mummy Model (PC/Mac 1993)
Help us, Brendan Fraser.
A sequel to the classic LucasArts game, Maniac Mansion, in which our heroes can microwave a pet hamster, Day of the Tentacle gives us the opportunity to win a futuristic “Human Contest” by dressing up a mummy with stylized spaghetti and dentures that originally belonged to a horse from colonial times. Do I really need to say more? If you haven’t played this game, the remastered version released on Steam in 2016 and I can’t recommend it enough. It’s a point-and-click puzzle adventure which may seem a little dated in today’s market of video games, but B-movie-esque plot is driven along by a colorful cast of characters who are constantly making references to Star Wars. I first played the original at a friend’s house when I was younger but wasn’t able to get far when my parents told me it was time to go home. When I finally had a few free hours over my Thanksgiving break, I jumped back in immediately and finished the entire game in just two sittings (okay….two relatively long sittings….but it was break!!!). Check it out and you, too, can win the Human Contest…and save the world!!!!!
4) Tekken 3 – Gon Gas (PSX 1998)
Gon with the Wind.
Tekken has been showing up a lot on my lists lately. Honestly, I didn’t play the game too much, but when I came across this picture, I knew I had to include it on my list. Not only is it ridiculous that you can play as a tiny dinosaur named Gon (Hunter X Hunter reference??), but this same character can…well…you saw the picture. Dinosaurs are no stranger to fighting games. Prehistoric combatants were battling it out in Primal Rage in 1994 (a year after the release of Jurassic Park in theaters) and Dino Rex existed in arcades in 1992 (though not as well known). Of course, this was the 90’s and Tekken 3 wasn’t the only game using fart attacks in 1998 – as we will see later in the list! (Is this where Wario got his inspiration for his fighting style in Super Smash Bros??)
3) Conker’s Bad Fur Day – The Great Mighty Poo (N64 2001)
Brought to you by Chipotle.
If I didn’t mention this game, I knew I’d get some major backlash. When it comes to toilet humor in video games, Conker’s Bad Fur Day appears in almost every conversation about the topic (and it even lands at the #1 spot on similar lists!). The only reason it’s #3 on my list is because….I never played it! BUT(T), I know its legacy…and I know about this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vdd4rBlsj2o (warning: naughty language but super amusing). Please enjoy.
2) Earthbound – This Game Stinks (SNES 1995)
But…it doesn’t stink!
The epitome of what I associate with the “gross-out campaign” of the 90’s is the marketing strategy of Earthbound. In Earthbound’s case, this marketing strategy backfired, and people actually thought the game was bad which left it only to obtain a cult status in the years that followed. The image I attached was something you’d see in gaming magazines like Nintendo Power, and I recall one issue even included scratch-and-sniff cards (shown below) where you could “smell the game” (side note: the banana card smelled quite pleasant). Interestingly enough, the game itself isn’t actually that gross. Yes, you can dig hamburgers out of trash cans and you fight a giant blob named Master Belch…but that’s about it. The rest of the game is a quirky RPG following four children in an attempt to save the world from evil aliens from another time. I’m not sure if I bought into the marketing necessarily, but this was a game that I remember getting shortly after it came out (in the giant box that included a strategy guide). I was totally enthralled and would play it every chance I could before and after school. It was the first RPG I ever owned and I was proud to finally have a game in the genre that was different from my friends who were playing games like Final Fantasy and Secret of Mana – a game that was also suited so closely to my personality. Despite the weird marketing campaign, Earthbound remains one of my favorites of all time, and I’m glad I got to experience it at the time of its release to see it through the eyes of my childhood self.
Abe’s Exoddus is the sequel to Abe’s Oddysee which came out in 1997 (If you have time to watch an interview with Lorne Lanning, he offers some awesome incite on the creative process and restrictions they had with having to release a game just a year after the original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7f0YtzWBG4 – I *think* this is the right interview….). In the interview, Lorne explains how development for the second game was rushed and how he was frustrated that they weren’t able to tell the entire story that was in line with his vision for the series (so now they’re working on Soulstorm, which is a re-imagining of Exoddus…a story for another time…). Anyway, when I learned about the developmental hell they went through, I was genuinely surprised because Exoddus is easily my favorite of the two games released on Playstation. It improved the game in so many ways. Instead of leading around just one Mudoken at a time, you could now have several follow you all at once. Sligs were no longer restricted to the ground, so when you possessed them, there were several areas of the game that had cool flying sections. Also, a later section of the game let you possess Glukkons, who were the main villains of the first game. I thought it was such an interesting twist to be able to take control over the enemies who were only seen in cutscenes in the first installment. So, how is this gross and a top spot on my list? Well, the main quest has our hero, Abe, saving his friends from a factory that makes Soulstorm Brew out of the bones of his species. Despite this horrifying fact, Abe and his company actually become addicted to the drink and quickly learn that it produces some interest side effects… The game takes it a step further and allows Abe use his mind control powers to possess the clouds of his “side effects.” Being an “explosive” drink, clouds can be navigated toward nearby enemies and then blown up on command. In simple terms, you can blow up your possessed farts. There, I said it. This was the cherry on top of all the other new features introduced into the game, and it was exactly what my 8th grade mind needed to escape a tough time during my childhood. These games remain some of my most cherished memories, and I’m looking very much forward to the release of Soulstorm (hopefully I’ll have a system by then that can actually play it!).
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Eric Hagmann Music 