By The Beard of Zeus: Top Ten Beards in Games

November may be “No-Shave November,” but September 6th is World Beard Day! Beards come in all shapes and sizes (and can keep you warm on a chilly day!). Some cultures associate them with traits like masculinity, strength, and social status. Personally, I just let my hair grow until it annoys me and then I shave it off.

Since the occasion calls for it, let’s take a moment today to honor thy beard as we explore the Top Ten Beards in Video Games!

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10) Mr. Carpainter
Earthbound
(1994, SNES)

It’s a blue world and Mr. Carpainter is painting it. He leads the Happy Happyist Cult which is obsessed with making everything blue, and he was also charged with kidnapping Earthbound’s leading lady, Paula. After Ness knocks some sense into him, Carpainter admits he may have been under the control of a strange, otherworldly statue. Was the statue responsible for his facial hair, too?

9) Cranky Kong
Donkey Kong Country
(1994, SNES)

Our original Donkey Kong (as it was implied for years) now loves to rock in his chair, collect old tires, and brag about the accomplishments of his younger self. In future games, Cranky grabs his cane and joins the adventure – thankfully not getting his beard caught in the murky depths of a barrel cannon!

8) Dr. Light 
Mega Man 3
(1990, Nintendo Entertainment System)

It wasn’t until Mega Man 3 when we finally saw the brilliant Dr. Light in a full cutscene with our famous blue bomber. Naturally, it goes without question that this brilliant scientist probably has a part-time job in the winter as a mall Santa.

7) Chancellor
Chrono Trigger
(1995, SNES)

The Chancellor of the Kingdom of Guardia turns out to be not who we think he is – making it all the more impressive that a monster-in-disguise could maintain such an extravagant face of follicles! In a future life, I could definitely see him being the headmaster of a school for witches and wizards.

6) The Chessmaster
(1991, SNES)

The SNES title screen of The Chessmaster really made you believe you were playing a board game with a friendly old man in a room lit only by candles. You know, a totally normal activity for children. A twinkle in his eye, I’d trust him to lead me to the fires of Mt. Doom.

5) King of Sky Land
Super Mario Bros. 3
(1988, Nintendo Entertainment System)

The beardiest of all the Mario 3 kings, the king of Sky Land clearly has never taken a trip to the ground to purchase a razor. I love, though, how he adds a little stylish flair by parting his beard right down the middle.

4) Fusoya
Final Fantasy 4
(1991, SNES)

Perhaps the quintessential depiction of a “wizened wizard,” Fusoya demonstrates the age-old adage that the longer the beard, the stronger the Meteo.

3) Barba
Shadow of the Colossus
(2005, Playstation 2)

If Barba would have shaved, it could have saved his life! With a smooth face, Wander would have never been able to climb that bodacious beard and reach the weak point at the top of the head. Think about this the next time you want to participate in No-Shave November.

2) Erik the Swift, Baleog the Fierce,
and Olaf the Stout
The Lost Vikings
(1993, SNES) 

I’m just noticing now that Baelog the Fierce (left) doesn’t actually have a beard – just a giant mustache. Do you think Erik and Olaf make fun of him for not being able to adorn his hair with trinkets? Honestly, this might by why Baelog is the one with the sword – he’s the only one that could shave!

Honorable Mentions:

Gordon Freeman
Half Life
(1998, PC)

Freshly trimmed for another day at Aperture Science!

1) Branson
Beard Blade
(2021, Steam)

A game where your beard is your main gimmick? Welp, this has to be #1! Beard Blade has you controlling Branson and his immaculate beard on a quest to recover stolen treasures. Upgrade your abilities by visiting the local barber who will trim your beard into a multifaceted mechanism of manliness! Not only can you use your facial hair for your main attack, but you can also operate gears controlling doors, you can climb long chains, and you can helicopter float your way to safety (a la Dixie Kong) with a quick spin to the ground. I suddenly have new beard goals.

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Thanks for stopping by to read my post! Can you think of other instances of beards in video games? Let me know in a comment below!

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